


Just Friends

by timetruthhearts



Category: Rise (TV 2018)
Genre: Angst, Drama, Friendship, Internal homophobia, M/M, Original Character(s), Slow Burn, and external homophobia, but a happy ending eventually
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-16
Updated: 2018-08-25
Packaged: 2019-05-24 00:53:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 35,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14944569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/timetruthhearts/pseuds/timetruthhearts
Summary: Simon is struggling with a lot right now. The drama program being cancelled. His best friend moving away. His sexuality. Maybe having a friend in his life will make things easier. Or maybe it will make things a lot more complicated.How I think a possible Season 2 could have gone for Simon Saunders





	1. You have no clue what I’m dealing with right now

Simon’s mind was buzzing. He knew that was cliché but there was no other word to describe the hazy energy that filled his head. They did it. They performed the show the way they had wanted to and everyone seemed to really enjoy it. Well everyone except for his father.

He knew his dad didn’t approve of the show but he never expected him to actually leave in the middle of it. It should have made him more upset than it actually was, but the look of love and support from his mother and sister helped to boost his spirit just a bit.

The atmosphere in the green room after curtain call was contagious. Everyone was excited that they actually pulled it off and couldn’t wait to get out to meet with their families to see what everyone thought about the show. Simon was distracted by the troupe’s energy and almost didn’t notice the quiet boy who walked up to his side.

“I can’t believe we did it,” Jeremy said softly and he watched the rest of the troupe with Simon. Neither of them could look at the other, too afraid that the words that needed to be said couldn’t once they made eye contact.

“You did great out there tonight,” Jeremy said simply.

“You too,” Simon responded.

“I need to ask you what that meant for you,” Jeremy said. “I know it was just a scene and you were acting but you grabbed my hand Simon,” Jeremy continued finally turning his head to look at Simon at about the same moment Simon finally turned his. “Was that acting too?”

Simon looked at Jeremy and he didn’t know how to answer a question that you didn’t even know the answer to yourself. “I don’t know,” he stated.

Jeremy shook his head as he looked away. “Ok,” he said with only a hint of bitterness. “Let me know when you can finally be honest with yourself,” he finished as he walked off.

Simon just stood there. He wanted to reach out to Jeremy and stop him from leaving but he had no clue what he wanted to say. A part of him wanted to tell him that it wasn’t just acting. That nothing about tonight was just acting. But he also wanted to tell the boy to never talk to him again, because he made him feel things he wasn’t sure he could ever accept or understand.

Before Simon could get too lost in his thoughts Mr. Mazzu and Ms. Wolfe walked into the room with solemn looks on their faces.

“Guys. I need you all to be quiet for a moment. I have an announcement to make,” said Mr. Mazzu and everyone got quiet, the tension in the room palpable.  
“You all did a beautiful job tonight,” he continued with a sad smile. “You should be so pleased with your performances and with yourselves. You’ve made Ms. Wolfe and I extremely proud.”

Everyone could feel what was coming next before Mr. Mazzu even told them. “The superintendent and the school board have unfortunately decided that this will be the last show for Stanton Drama. Effective immediately they are closing down the program.”

The next 15 minutes were a blur for Simon as everyone began asking how this could happen and if there was anything they could do. Ms. Wolfe explained they had tried to change their minds, but they wouldn’t budge.

Just 20 minutes before the room was a joyous place. Now the atmosphere was a closer reflection to how Simon felt inside. Defeated.

Simon felt his phone vibrate and saw he had a voicemail. He hadn’t even realized he had missed a call.

_“Simon honey. Your sister and I are going to go ahead and head home. Your father is waiting for us in the car. I will see you there. Drive safe. Love you.”_

The drive home was quiet for Simon. A nice break from what he was expecting once he got home.

As he pulled into the driveway he could see the living room light was still on and knew his parents were waiting up for him.

He could feel the tension in the air as he opened the front door and stepped inside.

“Honey. You did such a wonderful job tonight,” his mom said as she moved forward to give him a hug.

“You were a star!” his sister echoed.

“Thanks you guys,” Simon replied as he pulled out of his mom’s embrace.

“Robert, didn’t Simon do an excellent job tonight?” his mother prompted.

“I can’t condone any of the performances tonight,” his father stated coldly. ‘This show was a major misstep and I can’t say I enjoyed it.”

“Robert,” his mother said sternly.

“No. I will not act like I approve of any of this tonight. It was obscene and sinful.”

“Well lucky for you they shut down the entire drama department so I’m sure that will make you happy,” Simon said bitterly as he turned and rushed up the stairs to his room.

He wasn’t surprised by his father’s reaction. He had expected as much. What had bothered him was the subtle jab his father threw in. He knew he was talking about his scene with Jeremy when he said the show was sinful. He didn’t know why but he couldn’t help but take that particular comment personally. But while his father had made his distain obviously clear he couldn’t help but feel that nothing about that scene could be sinful.

Simon got ready for bed quickly and laid down staring at the ceiling with nothing but his thoughts swirling through his head.

He thought about the show and how he had felt nervous leading up to his scene. He told Mr. Mazzu that he couldn’t do the scene, but when the time came he was so immersed in the scene and the character that he couldn’t imagine doing it any other way than the way it was meant to be.

The fact that Simon had put a little too much of himself in his performance that night though, that he couldn’t admit just yet.

~

The weekend seemed to last forever and yet also felt like it flew by. Simon was ready to get back to school and out of his house, but he wasn’t looking forward to seeing everyone from the show knowing that they were all feeling heartbroken that their show and the entire program had been cancelled.

As Simon parked his car in the school parking lot he received a text message from Jolene.

Simon walked into the school and headed off to his locker, but was surprised when a classmate stopped him before he could make it.

“Hey! Great job on Friday,” she said. “That had to be the best show the school has done. I’m glad you guys didn’t do Grease again.”

Simon stood there a bit shocked before his mind finally kicked into gear. “Um. Thanks,” he replied with a friendly nod to the girl before he continued on his way.

Lilette was already waiting for him by his locker.

“Almost everyone is talking about the show. They loved it,” she said as he walked up to her.

“Yeah. Someone stopped me this morning.”

“We’re all going to meet at lunch to try and think up of what we can do,” Lilette said as Simon opened his locker to get his books.

“Yeah Jolene text me. I’ll be there.”

“Good,” she said as she pushed her hair behind her ear nervously. “Do you think we can talk later, Simon? Maybe after school? It’s kind of important.”

“Yeah. Or you can tell me now if you want.”

“No,” she replied quickly. “I don’t think the beginning of the day is the best. It can wait until later.”

“Alright,” Simon said hesitantly. “Are you okay?”

Lilette gave him a soft smile. “I’ll be fine. So I’ll see you later?”

“Yeah. I’ll be there.”

The day went by quickly and before Simon realized it the bell for lunch was ringing. He made his way to the greenroom to find that almost everyone was already there. He saw Jeremy sitting on the couch with Cheryl and Clark and their eyes meet for a few seconds before Jeremy pointedly looked away.

“Has anyone seen Maashous?” Michael asked as everyone settled in.

Simon is surprised at who spoke up. “He’s in Eagleton,” Gordy answered. “He moved in with his mom.”

Michael looked hurt that he hadn’t been told of that development over the weekend.

“Okay, well we are all here because we need to figure out what we are going to do,” Jolene speaks up.

“I think a lot of people really enjoyed the show. I got stopped so many times today,” Sasha said.

“Me too,” Clark replied as others in the troupe began to share that they had experienced the same thing.

“So obviously people liked the show. Maybe that would get the school board to change their minds,” Michael said.

“I don’t think so. I heard my dad talking to my mom this weekend and it seems budget cuts were coming down anyway. If it wasn’t now it would have been later,” Gordy shared.

“So what can we do?” Lexi asked. “We can’t just let them take our drama department.”

“Maybe we can have a fundraiser?” said Francis.

“That didn’t do much when we had the bake sale two months ago for Spring Awakening,” Gwen countered.

“I might have an idea,” Gordy said from next to her. “Give me some time. I might be able to come up with something.”

Everyone felt sad that they hadn’t been able to come up with an answer, but they knew that they had reached a dead end. Without any funding they couldn’t perform any shows.

When the bell rang signaling the end of the period everyone was in a somber mood.

Simon was glad when it was finally the end of the day. He met Lilette by her locker so they could talk.

“Hey,” she said with a nervous smile. “We can head to the greenroom, if that’s okay? I don’t think anyone will be there. That way we can talk.”

Simon returned the nervous smile. “You are being very secretive. I wish you would just tell me what is going on.”

“I will. Just let’s go somewhere more private.”

“No Lilette. Please tell me. I’m worried now.”

Lilette sighed. “Simon, I’m moving,” she said sadly.

Simon stood there shaking his head. He didn’t understand. “What?”

“My mom got a job in Philadelphia.”

“So you’re leaving? After all that stuff you said to me two months ago when I was transferring. You’re just leaving me?”

Lilette’s eyes began to water. “I’m so sorry. But I don’t have a choice.”

Simon felt hurt. He was already dealing with so much and now his best friend was leaving him.

“I’ll still come to visit as much as I can. And I’ll call all the time. It isn’t like you’ll never see me.”

“We’re losing the drama department,” Simon said. “I can’t lose you too.” Tears slowly began to make their way down Lilette’s face as she stepped forward to hug Simon. He pulled away. “No. Don’t.”

“Simon, please,” Lilette said softly.

“No. You’re leaving and you don’t get to tell me how I feel about it, okay. So just go. Please.”

“Simon…”

“Go!”

Lilette was hurt but she turned and walked away leaving Simon to mull with his thoughts. He already felt bad for lashing out at her. It wasn’t her fault. But Simon felt like he couldn’t even take one step forward before having to take two back.

He made his way to the greenroom, which wasn’t empty as Lilette had suggested it might be.

“Simon, are you okay?” Jeremy asked from the couch.

Simon couldn’t believe that the universe or God or whoever was messing with him kept kicking him while he was already down.

“I’m fine, Jeremy. I really don’t want to talk about it right now.”

“Hey look. I know I’m not your favorite person right now, but you seem upset,” Jeremy said.

Simon nodded. “I am upset okay. I am very upset,” he said angrily.

Jeremy was taken aback. “Okay, but no need to take it out on me. I’m mad that they are shutting down the drama department too, but we’re going to try and figure something out.”

Simon shook his head. If only it was that simple. “You have no clue what I’m dealing with right now.”

“Yeah, well maybe that’s because you won’t really talk about anything,” Jeremy shot back just as angry as he stood up from the couch he was sitting on.

“I don’t need to tell you anything. I don’t owe you anything.”

“I just want to help,” Jeremy said as he walked closer to Simon.

“Why does it matter to you?” Simon asked.

“Because for some stupid reason I care, okay? Believe me I wish I didn’t, but I do,” Jeremy admitted.

“Well don’t okay. I don’t need you to care about me and I don’t need you to feel like you need to help me,” Simon continued. He didn’t know why he was taking his anger out on Jeremy. Because he happened to be there? Because he was an easy target? Because he made him feel things he shouldn’t?

Jeremy laughed bitterly. “God Simon I don’t need you to be honest with me, but you should at least be honest with yourself.”

Simon didn’t know what happened but something in him snapped. Jeremy was standing there and he kept pushing and pushing. He was asking Simon to say things he didn’t know how to put into words just yet and he just wanted Jeremy to stop talking. His body surged forward before his mind could even comprehend what was happening and as his hands grasped either side of Jeremy’s face he knew he wouldn’t have stopped himself even if he wanted to.

Their first kiss in the parking lot had been hesitant. Their kiss on stage during the show was gentle.

This kiss could only be described as passionate.

Simon tried to pour all he was feeling into the kiss. His anger. His confusion. His longing.

The fact that Jeremy seemed to be kissing back just as fiercely encouraged him to keep going.

He didn’t know how long he stood there kissing Jeremy. It could have been a few minutes. It could have been a few hours. All he knows is that it was long enough for him to have an internal realization.

He was gay.

He hadn’t been able to admit that to himself until that moment when he was so wrapped up in the other boy that he never wanted to stop.

Admitting to himself that he was gay was one thing.

But admitting it to the world…

Simon pulled away and looked Jeremy in the eyes. The other boy seemed elated, but there was also a hint of uncertainty like he didn’t know how Simon would react to the realization of what they had just been doing.

And wasn’t that just how Simon’s day was going to have another epiphany so shortly after the first one. He might have realized that he was gay, but he also realized that he couldn’t come out and that he was pretty far from being able to do so.

“Simon…” Jeremy asked hesitantly breaking him out of his internal struggle.

“I’m sorry,” he said sadly. “I can’t do this right now.”

Jeremy opened his mouth to reply but Simon was already running out the door leaving Jeremy standing there alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this was written quickly with a very fast proof read so there are probably still some typos. Sorry. Also Rise is not mine because if it was then we would be getting a Season 2. I'm not bitter about that though (yesiam)


	2. I was hoping that we could be friends

_I made out with Jeremy Travers in the middle of the greenroom._

Simon was sitting on his bed and staring out the window, stuck in his thoughts. He couldn’t believe that he had not only initiated the kiss this time, but he really, truly, and undeniably _enjoyed_ it. 

His whole life he was made to believe that what he felt not two hours ago when he was alone with Jeremy was wrong and he would be lying if he said that a part of him didn’t still think that. He hated that he realized he wasn’t straight. It had been so easy to ignore the feelings he had during rehearsals and could keep telling himself that he just didn’t feel strongly for Anabelle because she wasn’t the right girl, but he now had to face the fact that there was never going to be a girl that was right for him. 

His father would hate him. 

As bad as it was to feel his distain after opening night Simon couldn’t take the idea of his father outwardly saying those things about him. At least he had the pretense of the show on Friday, but he couldn’t hide behind that forever. 

The thing that Simon hated most though, even more than the remarks he would get from his father and the rest of the conservative minds in Stanton, was that he really wanted to kiss Jeremy again. He hated that he wanted to have that with a boy. 

Simon laid back on his bed, his mind still whirling with all the emotions he was feeling. 

He decided he needed to talk to someone about his feelings, but he had to apologize to her first.  
~  
“I was a massive jerk,” Simon said simply as Lilette closed her locker and gave him a guarded look. 

“Keep going,” she said hesitantly. 

“Can we talk? I’ll drive you home,” he said. It was the end of the school day and Simon really needed his best friend. 

“As long as we stop by the diner and you buy me a milkshake to go then, yeah. We can talk,” she replied with a soft smile. Simon didn’t need to ask. He knew that she would forgive him. 

The drive to the diner and to Lilette’s apartment was still awkward. The radio was playing but neither of them felt like singing along to the music and Simon really needed to look Lilette face to face for this conversation he wanted to have. 

When they finally arrived to her apartment they both headed straight for her room.  
“My mom isn’t home and we shouldn’t expect her any time soon, but this just feels more private.” 

“I’m so sorry for how I treated you yesterday,” Simon said as soon as the door closed. 

Lilette sighed. “It’s fine… Well, not fine. But I understand. I’m mad too, but I have to go.” 

“Why? Why can’t you tell your mom you want to stay?” Simon asked. 

“You know how difficult things are for my mom here, Simon. Everyone judges her and while I can’t say she is innocent, she certainly doesn’t deserve the mess that they put her through. She spent years working at the diner to never be promoted all while she was being harassed and now she is working as a housekeeper. She deserves more and this job that she got... It’s a lot more. I can’t tell her not to take it. I want this for her and as much as it kills me to leave you guys… she is my mom.” She said as tears slowly trailed down her cheeks. 

Simon hated it, but he understood. He had been best friends with Lilette for years. He knew all the rumors in town about her mom and how that affected Lilette. As much as Lilette’s mom deserved better Lilette deserved more too. 

“I’ve actually never been to Philadelphia. It would be cool to visit you,” Simon said softly as a peace offering. 

Lilette’s smile blinded him. “You can come visit whenever you want,” she replied as she pulled Simon into a hug. 

“You too. You are always welcome to come back home.” 

“I’m so glad you came to your senses and apologized,” Lilette said with a smile. “Being mad at you was exhausting even if it was only for a day.” 

“Well I didn’t need to just apologize to you. I need to tell you something. It’s something that I am honestly not ready to admit, but if I don’t talk about it with someone I’m not sure that I won’t explode again. And you’re my favorite person so …” 

Lilette can tell this is something serious just by looking at him. “Simon what’s wrong?” 

Simon laughed sadly. “What isn’t?” 

“You can tell me okay? Whatever it is. I’m always here for you.” 

Simon took a breath and decided to just go for it. “I kissed Jeremy.” 

“Yeah during the show. Is your dad giving you a hard time for that?” she asked. “It was just a scene.” 

“I mean, yeah. My dad is not exactly singing praises for my performance, but that is just it, Lilette. It wasn’t just the scene. I kissed Jeremy yesterday. After we had our fight.” 

“Wow… Wait…” Lilette was speechless. Her mouth was opening and closing without being able to form words. She finally looked back at Simon and had regained her ability to talk. “Really?” 

“Yeah,” Simon answered. 

“Wow. Wait are you serious? And you waited a whole day to tell me about it?”

“We had a fight. It wasn’t like I wanted to call you up after I had been such a jerk to you to tell you that I kissed Jeremy Travers again for the third time,” Simon said with a hint of embarrassment. 

Lilette’s eyes widened. “Third? You kissed Jeremy before the show and yesterday too?” 

Simon nodded. “I mean technically he kissed me. It was a few weeks into rehearsals, but I didn’t exactly not kiss him back.” 

Lilette looked shocked. “Oh my god.”

“Yeah. After that I kind of tried a little too hard with Anabelle and well …we both know how that ended up.”

“Wait is that why you tried to sleep with her? I knew you were trying to prove something.”

“Not helping Lilette.”

Lilette gave him an apologetic look. “Sorry.” She said, her initial shock had seemed to pass. 

“You don’t seem all that surprised anymore,” Simon stated. 

She looked at him sheepishly. “I mean now that I think about it, I can’t say I couldn’t see that there was something there.” 

“Really?” 

“Yeah. Come on, Simon. I know you. I mean the way you would look at Jeremy sometimes during rehearsals… You are a good actor, but I _never_ saw you look at Anabelle that way,” she admitted. 

Simon groaned at how transparent he was to his best friend.

Lilette gave him a sympathetic smile. “I’m sorry. So you kissed Jeremy. Did you… like it?”

Simon sighed sadly. “Yeah. I did.”

“Simon its okay. It isn’t the end of the world that you liked kissing a boy.”

“But Lilette I can’t. My father has made his opinion more than clear and if I’m being completely honest I am far from being able to accept that I might be…” Simon had wanted to say it. That word. He wanted to admit it to his best friend. If he couldn’t tell her then would he ever be able to say it to anyone?

“It’s okay Simon. You don’t have to say or do anything you aren’t ready for,” she said as she rubbed circles on his back. 

“I’m just not sure I’ll ever be ready,” he replied. 

“It’s not going to happen overnight. Don’t be so hard on yourself.”

Simon couldn’t help but think that was easier said than done. His whole life he was taught one thing and the idea of being able to ignore that part of him that hated his sexuality would be the biggest hurdle. “I just can’t see how I will ever be able to accept this, Lil.”

Lilette looked at Simon fondly. “As hard as it seems, you’ll find a reason,” she said softly before continuing. “Maybe you already have.”

“What do you mean?” he asked confused.

“Do you care about Jeremy? Do you like him?” she asked raising her eyebrow. 

Simon thought about it and how Jeremy made him feel. He thought about how it was so easy to fall into his role in the show even though he had a lot of reservations at the start. He thought about the little conversations the two of them had when they were starting to get to know each other for the show. He thought about how his heart stuttered when Jeremy would smile. He thought about how all he could seem to think about over the past day was kissing Jeremy again. “I think I might,” he replied quietly. “But I also know I’m not ready to do anything about it and I don’t really know him that well. I mean we aren’t even that close really. So how can I know if I actually do like him?”

“Well… that is what people go on dates for usually, but since I’m pretty sure you aren’t taking Jeremy to Volpe’s anytime soon maybe you can just try to build a friendship. Get to know him more and see if you really do like him. And you would have the added benefit of possibly having someone else to talk to that understands what you are going through,” Lilette explained.

“I guess you’re right. I mean since you’ll be leaving it really would be a good thing to have someone else that I can talk to.”

Lilette smiled. “Yeah. I mean you can always call me, but it will probably be nice having someone to talk to face to face. Plus Jeremy probably understands the whole ‘I’m a boy that likes other boys’ thing a lot better than I do.”

Simon turned to look at Lilette and nodded his head. She was right. Even if things never grew between him and Jeremy it would be nice to have someone else that knows what he is dealing with. Lilette always helped Simon with things like that. She always knew what to say when it came to matters of the heart.

He was really going to miss her. 

~

The next day at school Simon decides he really needs to talk to Jeremy. He didn’t see the other boy at all the previous day and he suspects he might have been avoiding him after the way their last conversation ended. 

Simon was a mess, but he wanted to be better.

He found Jeremy at his locker just before lunch.

“Hey Jeremy,” Simon said he walked up to his side. “Can we talk?”

Jeremy looked hesitantly at the other boy and sighed before speaking. “I guess. But I’m not going to tell anyone if that’s what you’re worried about.”

Simon hadn’t even considered that Jeremy would talk about what had happened between them the other day. The realization that he trusted Jeremy made him even more determined to build this friendship even if only to have someone he knew he could confide in. 

“I’m not worried about that,” Simon said simply. “Come on,” he said with a nod toward the greenroom and Jeremy follows him. 

There isn’t anyone in the greenroom, but Simon wants to make sure that they won’t be interrupted so he makes his way over to the boys’ dressing room. He knows nobody will go in there. The drama department is shut down so there isn’t a need for anyone to be in there. They look around the room not sure what to say to each other just yet. It is sad seeing all the costumes still in the room. The school board had shut down the program, but all the costumes and props were still in the dressing rooms and greenroom. A reminder of what they had and what they lost. 

“I’m sorry for the other day,” Simon starts suddenly. 

“You really don’t have to apologize,” Jeremy replies. “I mean I kissed you in the parking lot that one time and that was a pretty jerk move on my part. So I guess we’re even?”

“I just need you to know that I’m sorry for everything. For everything I’ve put you through,” Simon explained.

Jeremy sighed and nodded him head. “I get it. I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have pushed you when you obviously weren’t ready. I mean I’ve had time to process and deal with everything and I forgot how scary it can be.”

“That’s why I wanted to talk to you,” Simon continued. “I don’t know how to really handle all these things and they are confusing for me and it’s like my brain is hardwired to reject everything that even remotely suggests that I…” He tried he really did, but he still couldn’t bring himself to say that word out loud. 

“It’s okay, Simon,” Jeremy said reassuringly. 

“I just need time to process everything. I know you said you felt something when we were rehearsing for the show, but I don’t really know what I was feeling. And I don’t know if I ever can or how long it will take me, but I was hoping that we could be friends.”

“Of course. We are friends,” Jeremy said.

“No I mean like real friends,” Simon explained. “I think I need someone that I can talk about this kind of stuff with. You know?”

Jeremy nodded. “Yeah. It’s a lot to handle on your own. I mean I am far from an expert, but whatever you need. I’ll try to help.”

Simon smiled at the other boy. “Thanks. So friends?”

Jeremy smiled back. “Yeah. Just friends.”


	3. I'm adjusting...

“Hey! Gordy wants everyone to meet in the greenroom,” Lilette said as she walked up to Simon at his locker.

“What?” Simon looked at her a bit confused. His hand was paused in mid air as he was going to grab his book for the next period before heading to lunch. “Mr. Mazzu’s son?”

“Yeah. At least that is what Gwen said,” Lilette answered. 

“Ok. Now?”

“Yeah.”

“This should be interesting,” Simon said as he closed his locker and began making his way to the greenroom with Lilette.

About half of the troupe was there when Simon entered the room. His eyes immediately landed on Jeremy and the blonde boy gave him a smile and a quick wave. It had been a week since the two had decided to be friends and while they hadn’t really talked much when they saw each other in class or the halls they would acknowledge each other or exchange smiles. Simon smiled back at him and continued following Lilette to sit on the couch where Robbie was saving spots for them. 

The rest of the troupe made their way in and no one seemed to know exactly why they were all here. 

“Okay I guess I’m going to go ahead and start this off,” Jolene said when it seemed everyone had arrived. “Why are we here?”

“So last time we were all together I had an idea,” Gordy began nervously. It was obvious he wasn’t used to speaking in front of a lot of people, but he continued on. “So my aunt and her family live in a really great area about an hour away from here. One of those nice Pittsburg suburbs,” Gordy began to explain. “They have a lot of funding for the arts programs in their town and well… I really enjoyed getting to work on the show with you guys and I really wanted to help out with another one. And my sister is going to be a freshman next year and it just didn’t seem fair that she wouldn’t get a chance to try out for a show. I figured it would be a long shot, but I told my aunts about everything that happened with the school board and how we wanted to save the drama program and they brought it up with their boosters and I guess the idea of saving a shut down program seemed like a great idea because they want to help.”

“But how? It doesn’t seem like the school board will change their minds,” Michael said from his spot next to Sasha.

“I talked to my dad and Ms. Wolfe and they think we can start a community youth program. If it is all run by donations and ticket sales then the school can’t do much to stop it. The only thing is we would have to figure out a space. I mean we have the theatre here, but the school might not let us use it so we need to think about where we could do this if we can’t use the theatre here."

“Does anyone have any ideas?” Clark asked the group.

“I don’t know of a space that would be big enough,” Lexi replied.

“We can still reach out to Principal Ward. Maybe we can rent out the theatre for performances,” Jolene said. 

“But we would still need a space to rehearse and to keep sets and props and costumes. It would be more than just using it for a few weekends,” Michael explained.

Everyone was quiet as they tried to think of something. It didn’t seem like anyone had an idea and the longer that it was quiet the less hopeful Simon became. 

The troupe began to disperse. Knowing that there was a possibility of getting their program back, or at least some form of it, seemed to have boosted some of their spirits. Simon wasn’t one of them.

He wants to be happy about the prospect that there are apparently people out there that heard about what they did and want to help. The possibility of being able to perform again should be enough to make anyone in the troupe excited. But Simon doesn’t want to deal with the crushing defeat if they can’t make this work. He feels like he has lost so much already. He doesn’t want that feeling again.

“Hey,” Lilette says softly. “You want to go get lunch? We still have about twenty minutes before next period starts.”

“No. I think I’m just going to hang out here for a bit,” he replies.

Lilette looks over to the door where Robbie is waiting for her. “Do you want me to stay with you?”

“No. You can go ahead.” Simon knows that she wants to spend as much time as she can with Robbie before she leaves so he doesn’t want to monopolize her time with his angst.

He sends her off with a small wave not realizing someone else stayed back when the rest of the troupe left, trying to get food before their next class.

“Hey Simon,” Jeremy says quietly as he walks over to him.

Simon doesn’t mean to seem startled but he is a little bit. His mind is still reeling with his thoughts. “Hey.”

“So we might get to do more shows. That’s great isn’t it?” Jeremy says as he takes a seat at the other end of the couch. 

“If we can find a space to do it,” he says cynically.

“We’re all a resourceful group. I think something will come up,” He says with a smile. “So how are things going?”

That was a loaded question and not one that Simon was sure if he wanted to answer just yet. “Things have been… I’m adjusting,” he said simply. 

“I heard from Lexi that Lilette is moving to Philadelphia after the holiday break.”

Simon nodded sadly. “Yeah. Her mom wanted to leave earlier, but Lilette talked her into letting her finish the semester here at Stanton.”

“I’m sorry, Simon. I know you two have been friends for a long time,” Jeremy said sincerely. 

“Thanks. I mean it isn’t like I’ll never talk to her or see her again, but…”

“It will make things different. I get it,” Jeremy added. 

“Yeah.”

“So…” Jeremy began nervously. “How have things been with your family? Since the show and everything?”

“They’re… difficult.” Simone said quietly. Over the last few weeks he grew more distant from his father. He used to care so much about pleasing him and making him proud, but he was beginning to think nothing he could do would really help. He wanted to be able to bury his feelings and be the perfect son that he was expected to be, but as each day passed that seemed to be harder and harder. 

“I’m so sorry,” Jeremy said as he shifted a bit closer to Simon on the couch. “Is it your dad?”

“Yeah. He uh… He has been a little more outspoken with his beliefs ever since the show. He won’t really talk to me, but I’m starting to think that might be for the best,” he explained sadly. “My mom has been great though. She told me she was proud of me after the show.”

“That’s awesome. My mom said the same thing. You should come over sometime for dinner. She would love to meet you,” Jeremy said with a smile and then his eyes suddenly became guarded, not sure if he was pushing too fast. “I mean… of course whenever you are ready… and only if you want to. I just figured if things are that strained at home it might be nice to get away for a night.”

“Is tonight okay?” Simon asks suddenly.

Jeremy is a bit taken aback, but he recovers quickly. “Yeah. I mean I need to check with my mom since it’s a school night, but I don’t think she’ll mind.”

“Cool. I’ll let my mom know. And we can work on that assignment Mr. Kranepool gave us for tomorrow.”

“Yeah,” Jeremy smiled. “That sounds cool.”

The two boys sat there in a comfortable silence until the bell rang signaling that they needed to head off to class. 

“Sorry you missed lunch,” Simon said as he grabbed his bag and stood up from his seat. 

“It’s not a big deal. I wasn’t hungry anyway,” he explained as the two made their way to the door. “So I’ll see you after school?” 

“Yeah. See you later, Jeremy,” Simon said with a smile as he turned down the hall to make his way to his next class. 

He wasn’t sure if anyone seemed to notice that he couldn’t stop smiling.

~

Lilette caught up with Simon at his locker after they were let out of school for the day. “You seem to be in a much better mood than when I left you at lunch. What happened?” she asked. 

“I don’t know what you are talking about,” Simon said not wanting her to read into his mood. 

“Are you finally on board with saving Stanton Drama?”

“Of course I want the program to be saved,” Simon explained. “I just don’t want to get my hopes up you know?”

“So it wasn’t the troupe meeting…” she said, mentally considering what could have happened to brighten his day. “Does it have anything to do with the one person who was left behind in the room with you after I left?” she asked with raised eyebrows. 

Simon could feel his cheeks heating up. “We just talked. It was nice to be able to talk about how things are at home right now,” he tried to explain. 

Lilette wasn’t buying it. “And?”

Simon sighed as he closed his locker. “And I may be going to his house tonight for dinner. You know… to get away from my house for a night.”

“You know you can always hang out with me if you need to get away.”

Simon laughed, but it was a good-natured one. “Lilette. Think about where you have been after school everyday this week.”

She looked sheepishly at her best friend before speaking. “All you have to do is tell me you want to hang out. Robbie would understand.”

“But I know you want to spend as much time as you can with him before you leave. I’m not going to make you choose between me and your boyfriend.”

Lilette nodded. “I guess you also get the added benefit of going to a cute boy’s house for dinner.”

Simon blushed again. “We’re just friends.”

Lilette looked over Simon’s shoulder and smirked. “Well your ‘friend’ is heading this way so I will leave you so you can spend the evening with your ‘friend’ doing ‘friendly’ things,” she said with a devious smile and walked away. “Bye Saunders!”

“Hey,” Jeremy said as walked up to Simon. “What was Lilette so happy about?”

“She’s just a happy person, I guess,” Simon said hoping his blush didn’t betray him.

Jeremy nodded, a faint smile on his face. “So you ready to head out?”

“Yeah. I have everything I need so we can go ahead and go.”

“My mom is really excited that you’re coming over. It’s a bit embarrassing,” Jeremy said, his own cheeks tinged with pink. “Sorry.”

“It’s fine. Do you need a ride? I can drive.”

“Yeah that would be great,” Jeremy said, smiling. Simon really liked his smile.

“Cool,” he said as he grabbed his keys out of his pocket and began heading for the exit. 

The ride to Jeremy’s house was comfortable. The radio played in the background, but both boys were too busy talking to even know what was playing. 

“So Harmony said she might have an idea on a place we could do a show. Her uncle owns a big warehouse and it’s been empty ever since the steel mill shut down and she said he might let us use the space. It wouldn’t be very glamorous but it would be something. And Francis talked to Ms. Wolfe today and they are meeting with the principal to see about using the theatre, but he said she didn’t seem very confident about that.” Jeremy’s voice was soothing. As much as Simon wasn’t getting his hopes up about them being able to save their drama program it was hard to not have a little hope as he listened to Jeremy talk about it. 

“I guess we’ll see,” Simon said as he continued driving. 

“So Winter break is coming up. Do you have any plans?” Jeremy asked. 

Simon couldn’t believe the first semester of the school year was coming up so quickly. His teachers had already started passing out their final reviews and getting everything ready for the end of semester exams. He hated thinking about it though. It meant that in two weeks Lilette would be leaving. “Not really,” he answered. “My family always does Christmas here. My grandparents on my mom’s side always come to town and spend it with us.”

“That’s nice. So you aren’t leaving town over the holiday?”

“No. What about you?” he asked the other boy.

“We always go stay with my grandmother over in Eagleton for the last day of Hanukah, but that’s about it.”

Simon looks over at Jeremy quickly studying him. “I didn’t know you were Jewish.”

Jeremy smiled. “Not so much in practice. We go for my grandma though. She is very Jewish,” he says with a laugh before he speaks again. “It’s going to be this street on the right here and the third house on the left.”

Simon nodded and turned onto the street pulling up in front of the Travers’ house. It is nice and very different from his own home. He can already tell just from the outside that there’s a warmth that lives inside. 

“Ok fair warning. My family is crazy,” Jeremy said as Simon parked the car. 

“Welcome to the club,” he replied with a laugh.

Jeremy shakes his head, a smile on his face. “Ok. But my family is a different kind of crazy from yours.”

“Well then let’s go,” Simon said as he shut off the ignition and got out of the car. 

They head up to the front door and Jeremy walked right in, Simon following behind him. “Mom! Home!” he yelled as they entered the house. 

“Jeremy! Kitchen!” said a voice from a room to the right. Jeremy jerked his head in the direction of what Simon assumed was the kitchen and started walking that way. 

As they enter the room Simon can’t help but look around. The Travers’ kitchen isn’t too fancy and it’s very muted in color except for the refrigerator. That has drawings and school assignments held to it with colorful mismatched magnets. There is a woman standing by the sink with shoulder length blonde hair. She looks to be in her mid to late thirties and she has a smile on her face that lets Simon know where Jeremy got his from. 

Jeremy walked over to her and gave her hug as she turned to speak to him. 

“Hi honey. How was your day?” she asked.

“It was good,” he replied as she looked over to where their guest was standing. 

“You must be Simon,” she said, still smiling, as she walked over to greet him. 

“Hi Ms. Travers. It’s nice to meet you,” Simon said politely.

She pulled him into a hug and Simon is astounded at how comfortable and welcome he feels in this house. “No honey. Please call me Becky. Or even Ms. Becky if you must.”

Simon nodded at her and returned the smile. 

“Well I do apologize. I didn’t have much time to plan anything too special. I hope you don’t have any dietary restrictions.”

“I’m sure whatever you are making is more than fine,” he replied. 

“Well then I hope you aren’t vegetarian or lactose intolerant or have a gluten allergy because we are having lasagna,” she says.

“You picked a good night,” Jeremy said from behind her, leaning against the counter. “Her lasagna is pretty good.”

“Excuse you,” Becky says as she shoots her son a playful look. “My lasagna is better than just ‘pretty good’.”

Jeremy smiles at her and makes his way to where they are standing. “I guess she’s right.”

Becky moves her hand up to the top of Jeremy’s head to ruffle his hair and he looks annoyed at that.

“Mom,” Jeremy groans and Simon can’t help but let out a chuckle at how close they seem.

“I’m sorry. I just have to give you a hard time,” she says as she makes her way back to the sink to continue with making dinner. “You hardly ever bring friends here and so I have to make the most of it when I can.”

Jeremy gives her a look that almost looks like a pout. “I bring friends,” he says. 

“Not recently,” she says accusingly. “You used to bring Anabelle by all the time and then one day you just stopped.”

“Mom,” Jeremy says, his cheeks turning pink. 

“No. You two were thick as thieves and then I don’t see her around here for a few weeks and when I asked you about it you got annoyed and stormed off,” she explained. 

“We just grew apart, okay,” Jeremy said looking embarrassed. 

His mom looks him over and she must see something that Simon doesn’t because she turns back to preparing dinner with a simple. “Alright.”

Jeremy looks relieved that the subject was dropped.

“Well dinner isn’t going to be ready any time soon so why don’t you two head upstairs and I will call you down when it is ready.”

Jeremy motions for Simon to follow him and throws a simple “Thanks, mom,” over his shoulder as they head out of the kitchen. 

As they go to head up the stairs they walk past the living room where Simon sees a small boy sitting on the couch watching television. 

“Hey Aiden,” Jeremy says as they pause in the doorway. 

“Hi,” the boy says hesitantly. “Who are you?” he asks, his question pointed at Simon. 

“This is Simon,” Jeremy replied. “He’s going to join us for dinner tonight.”

Simon gives a small wave to the little boy and smiles. “Hi Aiden. It’s nice to meet you”

“Hi,” the boy says again still a bit shy. 

Jeremy gives Simon a smile and turns back to his brother. “We’re gonna go upstairs okay buddy.”

Aiden paid them no mind, turning his attention back to the television. 

They continue through the house and Simon can’t help, but notice all the family photos that cover the walls. It’s very different from his home. There are of course photos of his family, but there is a lot more religious décor at his own home. 

He sees a photo of the whole family that looks like it was taken just after Aiden was born as he sees Jeremy’s mom holding an infant and a young boy that just has to be Jeremy. “You have a sister?” he asks, motioning to the photo. 

Jeremy pauses and nods his head. “Yeah. I’m the middle child. That’s Lizzie. She’s at college. Penn State, so not too far away.”

Simon nodded. He liked learning more about Jeremy and his family and seeing the warmth in Jeremy’s eyes when he talked about them warmed him too. 

“My rooms right here,” Jeremy says as he opens a door to the left of the top of the stairs. 

The first thing Simon notices about Jeremy’s room is that while it is clean it is very cluttered. There are pictures and posters all over the walls of everything ranging from band and movie posters to pictures of the troupe and his family. 

“We can start on our Biology review assignment if you want. Though I did do about half of it today at study hall,” Jeremy says as he set his backpack by his desk. 

“That sounds good,” Simon said as he took a seat on the edge of Jeremy’s bed, getting his Biology book out of his bag. 

They sit and work together on the assignment. It turns out Jeremy did more than half of the assignment and was actually almost done with it so he helped Simon check his answers and then they did the last remaining questions together. It only took them about thirty minutes to complete the assignment. When they finished Simon stood up and began to look around Jeremy’s room at all the pictures he had above his desk. 

“You’re really close with your mom aren’t you?” he said as he looked at a picture of the two of them from after the Guys and Dolls show last year. 

Jeremy was sitting on his bed and Simon walked back over to join him. 

“I guess. I mean I’m honest with her and don’t hide anything from her and I feel like I can talk to her without her judging me. I guess that is a perk of your mom being a therapist,” he said with a shrug. 

Simon nodded and looked over at a particular poster that was by Jeremy’s desk. It was a smaller poster, about the size of a sheet of paper, but it had a rainbow background with the words “Love Wins” written in white. 

“How did you tell your parents?” Simon asked suddenly, unable to move his eyes from the poster. 

Jeremy followed his gaze and understood what Simon was asking.

“Well I only really had to come out to my mom. My dad died about five years ago. About a year after Aiden was born,” Jeremy said sadly.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know,” Simon said.

“It’s okay. I mean I still miss him, but I’ve accepted it. But I guess it was pretty easy to come out to my mom. I never hide anything from her and she was really supportive.”

“So she’s okay with it? That you’re… You know,” Simon said as he pointed toward the poster. He hated himself that he still couldn’t bring himself to say that word. As if just uttering it would make it too real. 

“Yes. I came out to her and told her I’m bisexual,” Jeremy said. “I don’t think my parents were ever homophobic or anything but I guess after my dad died things like that just seemed to matter even less. She just wants me and my brother and sister to be safe and happy.”

Simon nodded.

Suddenly they heard Jeremy’s mom yell from downstairs. “Boys! Dinner is ready.”

“Let’s go eat,” Jeremy said and the two of them made their way downstairs to join Jeremy’s family. 

The rest of the night went really well and Simon was glad he asked Jeremy if he could join him that night. Jeremy’s brother was still shy at the start of the dinner, but after about fifteen minutes he had really warmed up to Simon and loved asking him questions. It made Simon happy to be so welcomed in this home he had never been to before. It made him realize just how tense things in his own house were. 

When Simon arrived home that night he said a quick hello to his mother and avoided his father. He didn’t want to ruin what had been a good night. 

As he got ready for bed he imagined being as comfortable as Jeremy was with his mom. He imagined saying those words to his parents. He is pretty sure his mom would still love him, though she might be awkward about it at first. But he’s sure if she was given time she would be okay with it and that thought gives him a bit of hope.

His father though.

He can imagine his father’s reaction and that doesn’t fill him with pleasant thoughts.


	4. I can’t do this. I don’t have what you have

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry. Warnings for homophobia in the section after "But I hope so."

“So how was Hanukah with your grandma?” Simon asked as he sat on Jeremy’s bed, messing around with his phone. Ever since that first night that he came over for dinner he always spent at least one night a week at the Travers’ household and over the winter break it seemed as if he was there every other day either spending time in Jeremy’s room or eating dinner with his family. Simon enjoyed the nights he joined the Travers for dinner. Jeremy’s mother made him feel so welcomed in her home and Aiden had really grown on Simon. He had so much energy and Simon loved how curious he was about everything. He would still go out with the rest of the troupe during the break, but a lot of his friends were away this week visiting families for the upcoming holiday. That, along with the fact that Lilette left for Philadelphia the week before, meant that Simon spent a lot of time with Jeremy.

He found that he didn’t mind that.

Jeremy was sitting at his desk and looked up from the book he was reading to turn to Simon. “It was good. I’m glad Lizzie was able to be there though. That took a lot of the heat off of me this year,” he explained.

Simon looked at Jeremy confused. “What do you mean?”

Jeremy put his book down stood up from his desk to move over to the bed. He sat down at he edge of the bed and turn himself so he was facing Simon. “It’s just that my grandma knows every single Jewish boy and girl between the ages of fifteen and eighteen in a fifty mile radius and she is constantly trying to set me up. It’s almost like she is trying to prove how okay she is with my sexuality,” he explained. “I mean it is nice that she is so accepting, but I don’t need my grandmother to find me a boyfriend or a girlfriend. So this year it was Lizzie’s turn and I got a break,” Jeremy said with a smile.

Simon smiled thinking of how nice it must be to have a family that is so supportive.

“So your grandmother is trying to play match maker for you? How does she even know if you would like the person she tried to set you up with?”

Jeremy shrugged. “I mean I talk to my Grandma. Not as much as my mom, but she knows me well enough to know if I would get along with someone without having to know my ‘type’,” he finished with a small laugh.

Simon couldn’t help himself from asking his next question. It was like his mouth took on a life on its own. “And what exactly is your type?” he asked softly. He wasn’t even sure if he wanted to know the answer. Or if he was ready for it.

Jeremy blushed and quickly looked away before clearing his throat. “I don’t know. I mean someone nice obviously. I don’t want anyone who is a jerk. And I think they have to be passionate about something… or at least have a hobby that they really care about. It doesn’t even have to be something I enjoy, but I just… I really like hearing people talk about their interests. I think that you can tell a lot about a person by the way they talk about the things they care about. It just lights people up in a way that talking about other things doesn’t, you know?” he said with a shrug.

Simon nodded thinking about Jeremy’s words. Jeremy continued, still not able to look at Simon. “And it would have to be someone that could get along with my family. They are just so important to me and I don’t know if I could be with someone if they didn’t like my family or if my family didn’t like them,” he continued his blush getting the faintest bit deeper.

“I don’t think anyone could ever not like your family. They’re great,” Simon said with a smile.

Jeremy finally turned to look back at Simon, a matching smile on his face. “Thanks. I think they’re pretty fond of you too. I don’t think Aiden has ever taken to someone so quickly. He’s usually pretty shy.”

Simon smiled. It made him feel good to hear that, but he didn’t want to think about the why. He just wanted to enjoy the warmth that the statement made him feel in his chest.

The two boys sat in silence. Not an uncomfortable one, but it just seemed they had nothing else to say. After a few minutes they could hear a sound coming from downstairs.

“That must be my mom,” Jeremy said as the tension eased up with the new distraction. “Either that or Lizzie is doing a very bad job of keeping an eye on Aiden.”

“Do you think your mom would mind if I stayed for dinner?” Simon asked suddenly. He hadn’t planned on staying so long, but he really didn’t want to leave just yet.

Jeremy smiled. “I’m pretty sure she’d be offended if you don’t.”

 

~

 

“This semester is going to be the death of me,” Jeremy said dramatically as he flung himself on his bed.

Simon smiled as he closed the door behind them and took a seat at Jeremy’s desk. “We’ve only been back at school for a week. It can’t already be that bad.”

Jeremy shot Simon a look. “It is that bad. Why did I transfer into Pre-Calculus this semester? I should have just waited until next year to take it as a junior.”

“It must be so hard to be so smart,” Simon said dryly.

“Well I don’t feel smart now. I always took pride that I was good at math, and that it was easy. Now I am actually going to have to work at it. And study.”

Simon laughed at the other boy. “You are ridiculous.”

Jeremy shook his head. “No. Pre-Calculus is ridiculous.”

“Can we please stop talking about a class I am not even taking and work on our biology homework?”

“I already did it in study hall this afternoon,” Jeremy said with a shrug. “You want the answers?”

“Are you trying to influence me to cheat? My parents wouldn’t be too pleased to hear that,” Simon said jokingly.

Jeremy laughed. “I’m pretty sure your parents already think they have enough to not like me for.”

Simon’s smile fell. “No my mom likes you. My dad however…”

The silence that fell between them made the tension in the air so thick Simon almost couldn’t breathe. He hated that his situation at home had followed him here to Jeremy’s house. To the one place Simon felt comfortable and safe anymore.

“Hey,” Jeremy said suddenly. “Did you hear the rumor that Ms. Wolfe and Mr. Kranepool are dating?” he said obviously trying to change the subject.

It worked.

“No way. There’s no way. I’m pretty sure Ms. Wolfe doesn’t like anyone.”

Jeremy smirked. “Except for you. You are totally her favorite.”

“Well…” Simon said shrugging his shoulders and suddenly he found himself dodging a pillow that Jeremy had thrown from his spot on the bed.

He laughed, his previous worries already forgotten.

 

~

 

“So how is Jeremy doing?” Simon’s mother asked as he sat at the table in the kitchen doing homework with Emma while his mother worked on dinner. It was one of the few nights a week that his father usually worked late and he hadn’t made it home yet.

“He’s good,” he answered nervously, not sure where his mother was going with her line of questioning.

She smiled. “I’m glad you have another friend. I was worried with Lilette moving away. I know you were so close, but Jeremy seems like a really good kid,” she said with a nod. “Don’t think I haven’t noticed your math grade improving.”

Emma laughed. “Yeah. You were pretty bad at math so you have to be getting help from somewhere.”

Simon smiled back at her. “Yeah. He’s really good at math,” he answered, still uncertain about exactly why his mother was asking about Jeremy.

“Simon, honey, do you think Jeremy would like to come over sometime?”

Simon was stunned. “Wh- what?” he stuttered.

“I mean… He might not be able to stay for dinner, but your father has been working a bit later with his firm taking on that new account and I thought it might be nice to have Jeremy come over here after school for a bit one day,” she explained, giving Simon a soft look. “I would like to get to get to know him more.”

Simon knew his mouth was gaping open. “You… you want to do that?” He felt his eyes tear up, but he wouldn’t let himself cry.

Patricia nodded giving her son a soft look. “Yes. I really do. You two are so close now and I… want you to know that I want to be a part of your life.”

“I can ask him. I’m sure he’d like to though,” Simon answered. At least he really hoped Jeremy wanted to come to his house. He didn’t know that it was something he wanted until the option was put in front of him, but now he knew it was something he couldn’t let go.

Patricia smiled. “Okay. Well I will check your father’s schedule and see what days he is planning to work late next week and we can see if any of those work for Jeremy, okay?”

Simon nodded, returning his mother’s smile. “Yeah. That sounds great.”

 

~

 

The end of the school year was quickly approaching. As March ended, the troupe grew to be restless, still uncertain about the future of the drama department. Both Ms. Wolfe and Mr. Mazzu had been very tight lipped about everything, but everyone knew they had met with the principal and super intendant several times over the last few months. Gordy’s aunts and the Sewickley Heights boosters had raised some money to donate to Stanton Drama and they were even offering to donate some props and sets, but they still didn’t have a space.

When the troupe was told to meet in the greenroom after school everyone was filled with both excitement and dread.

Simon entered the room, his eyes immediately finding Jeremy who waved him over.

“Hey! I saved you a seat,” he said as Simon sat in the chair next to him.

“Thanks,” Simon replied with a smile. “So do we have any clue what this is all about?”

Jeremy shook his head. “No, but both Mr. Mazzu and Ms. Wolfe are here,” he said as he gestured to where the two of them were standing.

“That’s got to be a good sign, right?” Simon asked, letting himself feel optimistic for the first time in months.

“We can hope.”

The rest of the troupe filed in and Mr. Mazzu clapped his hands together to get everyone’s attention. His face gave away nothing though.

“Hello everyone. It’s been a while, but I am glad that so many of you showed up today,” he said as he paced around a bit in front of them.

“I do have to say that Stanton High Drama is finished. The school is not changing their decision to close down the Theatre Department.”

“But,” Ms. Wolfe interjected quickly as she could see that many were about to be upset at the announcement. “This summer is going to be the inaugural year of the Stanton Community Youth Theatre.”

Everyone looked at each other taking in what they had just been told.

“So wait, does that mean we did it?” Michael asked, a smile on his face.

Both Tracey and Lou looked at each other and smiled. “It is going to be a summer program funded solely on donations and ticket sales,” Tracey said.

“And...” Lou continued. “It will be open to anyone in Stanton and the surrounding area that is under 18. The super intendant has approved for us to use the theatre facilities here while school is not in session and the only stipulation is that you must have parental permission to take part in the show. So in other words …you guys did it!” Lou yelled.

The atmosphere in the room immediately turned to celebration. Everyone was excited that they would be able to perform again. Simon couldn’t help the smile that broke out on his face. It all seemed too good to be true, but he wasn’t going to question that right now.

 

~

 

“We did it, Lilette!” he said as soon as Lilette answered the call.

“What do you mean?” she asked on the other line, confused.

“I mean that the Stanton Community Youth Theatre is going to be putting on a show this summer and I think you should find a way to stay here over the summer break to audition for it,” he answered with a smile.

“Wait. Are you serious?” Lilette yelled through the phone. Simone was pretty sure he could hear the smile that was on her face. “Simon that is amazing!”

Simon chuckled. “I mean I am sure it isn’t going to be as glamorous as the show your school is putting on there in Philadelphia, but it would be really cool if you could come back. I’m sure Mr. Mazzu and Ms. Wolfe would be okay with you auditioning.”

Lilette chuckled. “My school is putting on Grease of all things. I just couldn’t force myself to audition for it.”

Simon let out a laugh at that. “Well I’m not sure what the show here will be just yet, but I’m sure it will be great. I can ask around and see who could be willing to put you up.”

“That’s sounds amazing. I’ll tell my mom and ask her tonight, though I don’t think she’d really mind,” she replied with a hint of bitterness to her voice. Simon was sure there was a story behind that comment, but he didn’t want to push, figuring that Lilette would come to him when she was ready to talk about it.

“I still can’t believe we did it,” he said in awe.

“Of course you guys did it,” Lilette said softly. “We’re a sacred troupe. Nothing can stop us.”

 

~

 

The next day all the kids were walking on air. They might not be doing a spring production, but they had something to look forward to during the summer. The boosters from Sewickley Heights and some other donations from people in Stanton were able to donate a good amount for them to purchase the rights for a show and the boosters were also donating some old props that could be repurposed. It was touching for the troupe to see that there were people that supported what they did with Spring Awakening and they hoped that the town would continue to support them with whatever production Tracey and Lou chose to do for the summer.

“What do you think the show is going to be?” Francis asked from the table. Most of the troupe had met in the green room for lunch to talk about what they were looking forward to most about the upcoming summer program.

“I don’t know,” Michael spoke up, looking up from his textbook. “I mean they might not go as far as Spring Awakening again, but they won’t pick something boring.”

“Yeah. I mean they probably want to make sure people will come to whatever show we do, because that is how we would fund next year,” Jolene said.

“Let’s just hope they pick something good,” Lexi replied.

“I just hope I get a part,” Harmony interjected. “If it is open to anyone in the surrounding area then we have no clue how many people will come out to audition.”

“And depending on what show they do, we don’t know how many parts there will even be,” Jeremy said. “But that doesn’t matter to me. I can work tech if I don’t get a part. I’m just glad we were able to get something out of all of this.”

“Speaking of tech,” Michael jumped in. “I talked to Maashous and he is pretty sure that he’ll be able to come back to do the lighting design for the show. Mr. Mazzu already offered to pick him up and drop him off every day and he really wants to do it.”

“I told Lilette last night about it and she wants to come back for her summer break to do the show with us,” Simon added. “If she can find a place to stay. I mean, she might just stay with me but I don’t know how long my parents will let her.”

“Hey, just let me know how long she needs a place to stay and I can ask my parents too. I don’t think they would mind,” Lexi said.

Simon smiled. “Thanks! That’s great. I’ll let you know.”

Before they all knew it the bell was ringing. As everyone filtered out of the greenroom and into the hall, Simon stayed back and waited for Jeremy.

“That was very modest of you earlier. To think you won’t get a part,” Simon said with a smirk.

“I mean, I might not,” Jeremy replied as she slung his backpack over his shoulder. “I know I’m not bad, but you never know. Besides, working behind the scenes might be fun,” he finished with a shrug.

“You’re still going to audition though, right? You aren’t just deciding that you want to be a techie now, are you?”

Jeremy laughed. “Why? Would you miss me at rehearsals?” he said with a flirty tilt to his head. Simon had noticed that their interactions recently had definitely ventured into that territory more often. What surprised him was how much he flirted back.

“No this is solely for your benefit. You know I’ll be so busy with rehearsals that I probably wouldn’t be able to come over to your house as much so really the only way you would get to see me would be if you were in the show too,” he said with a smile.

“Oh is that it?” Jeremy asked with a smile. “Except I’m pretty sure you’d miss my mom’s lasagna so how would you get to have any if you don’t come over to my house anymore?”

Simon faked as if he was contemplating something. “Fine,” he said with an exaggerated sigh. “I guess I’ll still come over to visit.”

Jeremy laughed. Simon had grown to really enjoy that sound. “Okay. I’ll let my mom know that way she can make sure to make the lasagna for you.”

“What if you came over to my house?” Simon asked suddenly.

Jeremy looked taken aback. “Wait. Really? But doesn’t your dad…”

“My dad won’t be there,” Simon said quickly. “I mean. My mom is going to check his schedule to see what days he is working late so we’ll have to see when you can come over, but my mom really wants you to.” _And so do I_ , Simon thought to himself.

Jeremy gave Simon a soft smile, almost like he had read Simon’s mind and knew what he was thinking. “Okay,” he nodded. “Just let me know what day would work and I’ll let my mom know.”

Simon couldn’t stop his smile from spreading across his face. “Okay. Cool.”

The warning bell rang, startling the two boys out of the moment.

“I better get to class,” Jeremy said with a blush.

“Me too,” Simon replied. “But yeah, I’ll let you know what would be a good day for you to come over.”

Jeremy smiled again and then turned to head to class as Simon watched him walk away.

If Simon was two minutes late to class because he waited until Jeremy had turned the corner before he began making his way to his own class he wouldn’t admit it.

 

~

“You’re sure your mom doesn’t mind me coming over?” Jeremy asked from the passenger seat in Simon’s car.

Simon laughed. “For the hundredth time, it was her idea.”

“Okay,” Jeremy said, seeming to calm down a bit. “I just don’t want to impose.”

“As many times as I have come over to your house have you ever thought I was imposing?” Simon asked.

“Well no,” Jeremy answered. “But then again my family is weird and normal rules don’t apply to us.”

Simon let out a chuckle. “Your family really isn’t that weird,” he said as he pulled into the driveway of his house. Jeremy looked like he was steeling himself for what was to come. “Why do you look like you are going into battle?” Simon asked.

Jeremy shoulders relaxed a bit at the comment and smiled before he sarcastically replied. “Because I am about to fight for the crown of best houseguest ever.”

Simon laughed again. “Okay well come on. Let’s go inside so you can claim your title,” Simon said as he opened his door to get out of the car.

Once the boys were inside Simon headed straight for the kitchen. He knew his mom would be in there with Emma helping her with her homework and sure enough the two of them were sitting at the table huddled over an assignment together.

“Hi honey,” his mom said as soon as they came into the room. “How was your day?”

Simon smiled as he walked over to greet his mom and sister with Jeremy following behind. “It was really good,” he replied. “Mom. Emma. This is Jeremy. Jeremy, my mom and my sister Emma.”

“Hi Jeremy,” Emma said sweetly.

“Hi Emma. And you as well Mrs. Saunders,” Jeremy said cheerfully, really trying to put on the charm. “It’s really nice to meet you both.”

Patricia smiled at the boy softly. “It’s really good to meet you too, Jeremy. Simon has been spending so much time with you recently and I just really wanted to get to know his new friend,” she explained sincerely. “Hopefully he hasn’t worn out his welcome.”

Jeremy laughed. “Not at all,” he answered. “We like having him around.”

Simon’s mom smiled at the blonde boy. “Well I’m glad that everyone’s schedules worked out and you could come over today. I’m sorry it is only for a little while.”

Simon felt awkward knowing the reason Jeremy couldn’t stay more than a couple of hours, but Jeremy seemed to brush it off easily relaxing the tension in the room.

“It’s not a problem,” he replied.

Patricia began to get up from the table. “Well you two can go ahead and have a seat. I will go and make you all a snack while you work on your homework. Simon would you mind helping Emma?”

“Of course,” he replied as he took a seat and gestured for Jeremy to sit in the chair next to his. “What are you working on?” he asked her.

“I’m working on Math so I’m not sure if you’ll be much help,” Emma said, obviously making a small joke at Simon’s expense.

“Well you are in luck,” Jeremy jumped in as he took a seat at the table. “Because I am way better than Simon at Math so I can help you out if you need it.”

“Hey I’m really not that bad,” Simon retorted as he started pulling his books from his book bag.

Jeremy gave Simon a look that could only be described as his ‘Are you kidding me’ face. “Saunders, I have been helping you and checking your work for the last three months. Leave the Math to me.”

Simon wanted to be mad that his math skills, or lack thereof, were being called out but he was in his house with his mother and his sister and Jeremy was sitting at his kitchen table helping her with her homework. He was as far away from mad as he could be.

 

~

“Hey why did you ignore my call earlier?” Lilette said as soon as she answered the phone.

“I’m sorry. I was working on homework and we were almost done so I didn’t want to get too distracted,” Simon answered.

“Oh. Were you with Jeremy again?” she asked with a teasing tone.

Simon sighed. “If you must know, yes.”

Lilette let out a chuckle. “Wow Simon. You go over to his house so much, it is like you aren’t even trying to hide it.”

“Hide what?”

“Really?” Lilette was astounded. “Hide what? You aren’t that oblivious.”

“I don’t know what you mean,” Simon said, trying to sound unaware of what Lilette was hinting at. “And besides we weren’t at his house. He was here at mine.”

“Wait. Jeremy was at your house?” she asked. “How?”

“My mom wanted to meet him and the accounting firm my dad works for took on a big new client so he has been working later nights. Tonight was one of those nights,” he answered.

“Wow. So you and your mom are now conspiring together to have a cute boy over at your house?” she asked mischievously.

Simon let out a huff. “We aren’t conspiring,” passing over the comment about Jeremy being cute. “She just knows that we are friends and she wanted to get to know him more since we have been hanging out so much.”

“So how did it go?” she asked.

Simon couldn’t help the grin that broke out on his face. “It went really well I think. I mean he couldn’t stay for long because he had to leave before my dad got home, but it was good. We just did homework. I think he’s Emma new favorite person though. She would not stop talking to him about his eyes the whole time.”

“Well, he does have gorgeous eyes,” Lilette replied. Simon mentally agreed with her and tried his best to ignore that fact. “So you do think that will be a new thing? Jeremy Travers over at the Saunders household?”

“I don’t know,” Simon responded honestly. “But I hope so.”

 

~

 

As well as the first time that Jeremy came over to Simon’s house went, that was how awful the second time was.

It was the next week and it was a Tuesday afternoon again. Those were the days his dad worked late and it had worked out so well the week before. Jeremy and Simon were sitting at the table working on homework, while Simon’s mom and sister were in the kitchen starting on dinner. As the two boys were finishing up their biology assignment, everyone could hear the car that was pulling into the driveway.

Simon felt a strange sense of panic begin to settle in his chest. “Mom. I think Dad is home early.”

“He was supposed to be working until six o’clock tonight,” Patricia said with a worried look on her face.

Everyone sat quietly as they heard a rustling at the door as it opened. As soon as Robert Saunders rounded the corner, Simon’s mom sprang into action.

“Honey. How was work today?” she asked sweetly.

Simon’s dad looked confused at the fact that they had a houseguest he knew nothing about. “It was good. What is going on here?”

Patricia smiled at her son and his friend before turning to her husband. “This is Simon’s friend, Jeremy. They are working on an assignment for school.”

Robert nodded before speaking again. “You were in that show last year weren’t you?”

Jeremy nodded slowly not sure how to handle the question. “Um… yes sir.”

“I still can’t believe that school let such a thing happen,” he said sourly. “At least they closed down the program so that teacher can’t promote that kind of lifestyle anymore.”

“I think the show was nice,” Patricia tried to interject to soften the tension.

“Nice?” Robert said with distain. “Abortion and molestation and homosexuality are not nice.”

“That wasn’t the message of the show, Dad.” Simon’s voice surprised himself. He hadn’t planned on speaking, but his mental filter must have crashed because before he knew it the words were out of his mouth.

Robert looked between his son and the boy sitting next to him. “And what exactly would that message be?”

Simon didn’t know what to say that wouldn’t continue to anger his father. “I don’t know. Maybe that communication is important and when there is none people can get hurt.”

“Well we communicate in this house just fine. We know what we believe and what God wants us to believe. Everything that that show supported was an abomination. The cursing. The sex. The homosexuality. All of it. And supporting that is not what this family believes in.”

Jeremy awkwardly began to put his things in his bag. “I think I should go,” he said softly.

“Jeremy, honey, do you need a ride home?” Patricia asked.

Jeremy gave her a forced smile. “No thanks. I think I can manage.”

Simon knew Jeremy just wanted to leave and he would probably walk all the way home if that meant he could leave right then. “I can give you a ride,” he said quickly.

“I’m not sure if that would be the best idea,” Robert interjected and the look Simon shot him was probably more venomous than he intended it to be.

Jeremy smiled at Simon. It wasn’t a happy smile, but more of a smile of understanding. “Hey. It’s fine. I can get myself home. Don’t worry about me,” he said as he got up from the table and began to make his way toward the door.

“Thank you for your hospitality Mrs. Saunders,” Jeremy said sincerely. “Mr. Saunders it was…nice to meet you,” he said, the sentiment obviously forced.

Simon’s dad did not reply, instead leaving to go to his study.

As Jeremy got to the door and opened it Simon rushed to him from the kitchen. “Jeremy wait…”

“Hey Simon, it’s okay. I just need to go now. But I’ll see you tomorrow at school, alright?”

Simon nodded as he stood at the door watching Jeremy walk down the pathway to the sidewalk and in the direction of his home.

 

~

 

Simon hadn’t seen Jeremy in the halls at school all day. He would have thought he was out sick or had just stayed home, but he was in biology class earlier so Simon knew he was at the school. Which meant Jeremy was avoiding him.

The bell for the end of the day rang and Simon rushed from his last class to try and reach Jeremy at his locker. He rounded the corner and saw him there, quickly putting his books into his bag and closing his locker. He began to turn toward the exit to leave and Simon ran to catch up with him.

“Jeremy. Please, can we talk about last night?” Simon said quickly as he rushed up behind the other boy before he could get too far.

Jeremy jumped, startled. “Jeez, Simon. You scared me.”

Simon huffed. “Well you have been avoiding me all day so I’m sorry I had to resort to ambushing you.”

Jeremy’s cheeks began to turn pink, knowing that he had been caught. “I’m sorry. I just didn’t think you would want to talk about it.”

Simon sighed, running his hands through his hair. “I mean, honestly, I kind of don’t, but I know that if we don’t talk about it things will just be awkward and you are my best friend right now. I don’t think I can handle that.”

Jeremy looked at Simon with soft eyes and then slowly nodded. “You’re my best friend too.”

Simon smiled. Hearing that made his stomach flip and his heart do a weird stuttering thing, but he didn’t want to think about that right now. He was getting good at pushing his feelings aside. But sometimes they got the best of him and he was worried that one day he would just explode. He hadn’t realized how close he was already to doing just that. “Can we go to the greenroom?” he asked.

Jeremy nodded and the two of them silently made their way to the empty greenroom.

Once they were inside the room Simon turned to speak. “I’m so sorry about last night.”

Jeremy shook his head. “It’s not your fault. You know that right? Those things he was saying…”

“But he was saying them to you and I tried to stop him, but I don’t think it helped very much. I’m sorry,” Simon said, rambling. He wasn’t sure exactly what he wanted to say right then, but apologizing felt like the best course of action.

Jeremy stepped closer to Simon trying to get him to look him in the eyes. “Hey,” he said softly as Simon looked into eyes so blue they put the sky to shame. “Everything your dad said… That is all on him. It’s not your fault,” he reiterated.

Simon nodded softly, breaking the eye contact before he did something he wasn’t sure he was ready for again. “It’s just hard because I have heard that kind of stuff all my life and I am trying to move past it, but it just starts up again and it is almost like it’s so embedded in my mind that I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to get rid of it.”

Jeremy nodded sadly. “I knew things were rough for you, but I guess I didn’t have a clue how bad they were until now,” Jeremy said sadly. “I’m so sorry Simon.”

Simon can feel his pity and that makes him feel worse. “I just don’t know what to do,” he says as a tear makes its way down his cheek.

“Simon you are so strong and you will get through this, okay? And I will be here to help. And you also have Lilette, who loves you no matter what. And this whole troupe will always have your back,” Jeremy says as he grabs Simon’s shoulders and pulls him into a hug. “You are so loved Simon. You have no clue.”

Simon isn’t sure if it was the close proximity or the tension. Maybe it was the emotions or Jeremy’s words. But before he knows it, he has turned his head and he is kissing Jeremy again.

They stay like that for a while. So wrapped up it each other that they forget how much they were both just hurting. Simon forgets all the things that have been holding him back and realizes that he just _wants_ this. He wants the way that Jeremy makes him feel when they kiss. He wants the soft looks Jeremy gives him when he is talking to his brother or his mother as if they are a part of his family too. He wants the comfortable silence that they share sometimes knowing that just the presence of the other is enough for the moment. He wants Jeremy.

But then the words come again. His father’s words. And Simon can’t help but think that he isn’t supposed to want this.

He pulls away quickly, keeping his eyes closed. He can’t look at Jeremy because he isn’t sure that he wouldn’t just go right back to kissing him again.

“Simon, please talk to me. What’s wrong?”

Simon lets out a sob. He feels like he can’t breathe. “This is. I just can’t help but think that I can’t do this. I can’t _be_ this.”

“Be what, Simon?” Jeremy says, pushing a little too hard.

“ _This,_ ” he says opening his eyes to finally look at the other boy again. He didn’t mean to yell and sound so angry, but he can’t help his hate toward himself coloring his words. “I can’t do this. I don’t have what you have Jeremy and I can’t… I just can’t.”

Jeremy looks at Simon sadly before nodding and beginning to turn away. “Fine. I’ll leave you alone. You don’t have to worry about it anymore.”

Simon feels himself start to calm down and the thought of Jeremy leaving now at this point feels like he would lose him forever. “No please. I just… I don’t know what to do.”

“Simon what do you want from me?” Jeremy asks, his voice pleading.

“I don’t know,” he says. It’s not really an answer but it is the best he can offer right now.

“Why did you kiss me?”

Simon shakes his head. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.”

“Then why did you?” Jeremy asks desperately.

“I don’t know!”

He can tell Jeremy is getting more and more frustrated and Simon is really not expecting the next words that come out of his mouth. “I can’t keep doing this Simon. This whole push me, pull me act is too much.”

Simon can feel the panic in his chest begin to grow again. “What do you mean?”

Jeremy sighs, exasperated. “I mean you keep kissing me and running away. I understand that you are confused and dealing with a lot. I especially understand that now after everything that happened yesterday, but I need to know if you could ever actually feel anything for me. Or is this just you being confused about your sexuality? I just need to know because I can’t…” Jeremy’s voice breaks and he closes his eyes before continuing on. “I can’t keep letting you do this if there’s no chance that you could ever feel something back. It hurts too much.”

Simon had to admit that he really did think he liked Jeremy as more than a friend. He really liked spending time with him and the way he made him feel when he could forget all his troubles that waited for him at home. There was still a lot of stuff going on and he doesn’t know if he will ever be okay with it. But he wants to be strong enough to tell Jeremy that he does feel something. He liked how much Jeremy loved his family. He liked how sentimental he was over the smallest things. He liked the way his eyes crinkled when he laughed. And his laugh was another thing that Simon liked about him. He was pretty sure he liked everything about Jeremy Travers.

But he couldn’t say that because that would be too close to admitting that he was gay and the voice in his head that sounded a lot like his father kept trying to convince him that that was wrong.

Simon just stood there helplessly staring at Jeremy who looked as if he was becoming more heartbroken by the second.

Another tear slowly rolled down Jeremy’s cheek. “I can’t do this.”

The panic in Simon’s chest became unbearable. He was pretty sure this is what a heart attack felt like. “You don’t want to be friends anymore?” he asked sadly.

Jeremy shook his head, looking away from the other boy. “I just can’t hang out with you alone anymore okay. I just need some time. Lets keep to spending time together with everyone else. At least for now.”

Simon wanted to tell him he didn’t want that. That he looked forward to the times that it was just the two of them. How they were the only times that Simon felt like he could just be and they could talk about everything and nothing for hours. Simon could feel himself falling for Jeremy with each word that the other boy uttered during those times, but he couldn’t admit that to himself.

He was still so scared. What was he so scared of? Oh right. His dad reminded him of that just the day before.

“Okay,” Simon said simply, but he could feel his heart breaking. “I understand.”

Jeremy nodded sadly. Another tear rolling down his cheek.

Simon hated that he was crying, but he couldn’t help to think of how beautiful Jeremy was even when he was crying.

“Just give me this last month of school, okay. I know we’ll have to spend a lot of time together with the summer drama program coming up, but I just need some time to work through some things on my own.”

Simon wanted to argue, but he couldn’t “Okay. So do you think we’ll be able to hang out again? Just the two of us?” Simon needed those moments. He hadn’t realized just how much he had come to rely on them until he was faced with the idea of never having them again. They were one of the only things keeping his feet grounded.

“Yeah. I mean you’re one of my best friends, but I have some things I really need to work through and …” Jeremy looked away, a bit embarrassed. “I can’t work through them if I’m still hanging out with you all the time.”

“Okay. I understand,” Simon lied. Being with Jeremy is what helped him work through things so he wasn’t sure spending time apart could do either of them any good.

But this was what Jeremy wanted and Simon didn’t want to make him hate him anymore than he maybe already did.


	5. I’m just really glad you’re here

As soon as Simon walked into the greenroom his eyes landed on Jeremy as if he had no control over them. To say that things were tense for Simon the past few weeks would be an understatement. Jeremy wasn’t actively avoiding him, but they didn’t really talk anymore unless they were surrounded by others in the troupe and even when they did talk there was an awkwardness that never used to be present in their interactions. If anyone else noticed this, they never said anything.

Everyone was gathered in the greenroom today because Lou and Tracey said they had an announcement. They were all hoping it was an update on the summer show that they would be doing.

Once the troupe had all made it to the room Lou began the announcement.

“Hello everyone. It is so great to see you all again and I can’t wait to see you over the next two months as we work on the first show for the Youth Theatre Program,” he said with a smile.

Tracey spoke up “Now I know you all have been eagerly awaiting to see what show we will be putting on and we definitely think this will be a great production.”

“Yes,” Lou agreed. “I think one of the things that made Spring Awakening so powerful was because of how relevant those stories were. So when it was time to pick a show to do this summer we definitely looked to you all for inspiration.”

Tracey nodded. “You all inspired us with your spirit. You fought for this program and did not go down without a fight.”

“Which is why the first show we will be performing for the Youth Theatre will be…” Mr. Mazzu said, taking a pause to draw out anticipation. Tracey and Lou looked at each other and then spoke at the same time. “Les Misérables!”

The troupe erupted with excitement. They all knew Les Mis was a great show and the idea of being able to bring these characters to life filled them with a renewed energy for what they were about to take on.

Lou smiled. “Now this is going to be a big production. Our budget is still small after the licensing fees, but thanks to the props that have been donated to us we think we can pull off an incredible show. We also have a lot of talent from neighboring towns interested in taking part so it is going to be a great time. I look forward to seeing you all at auditions in two weeks.”

“And when you come to auditions you will need to bring a signed permission slip with you. We have copies here for you all to take home and have your parents look over,” Tracey said as she held up the forms in her hand. “There are some mature themes in this show so we want to make sure that your parents are okay with you all taking part. Unfortunately, if you do not have a signed permission slip then you will not be able to participate.”

As the slips started to make their way around the room Simon is met with the fact that he hasn’t told his parents about the summer program yet.

But it looks like he has to now.

 

~

 

Things had been tense at the Saunders household since Jeremy’s last visit. If Simon was being honest they had been tense since the performance of Spring Awakening, but the tension was heightened after that day. When Patricia had asked her son why he hadn’t gone to visit the other boy recently, she didn’t really need his answer to know why. The look of pity on her face just made it worse.

Simon took a deep breath as he walked into the living room. His mother was in an armchair reading a book while his father sat on the couch bent over some paperwork strewn over the coffee table. He knew he needed to tell them, but that didn’t make it easier.

“Mom. Dad. Can I talk to you?”

Patricia looked up from her book at Simon, a soft smile on her face. “Sweetie. What is it?”

Simon steeped forward, unable to stop his hands from fidgeting. “It’s about this summer. You know Lilette is coming back for a bit, right?”

“Yes,” Robert replied tersely. “We are letting her stay with us for a week.”

Simon nodded. “Yes, but she isn’t just coming back to visit with me and her other friends for a week. She’ll be here longer,” he explained. “The school shut down the theatre department, but we all worked together and they are doing a summer program… So Lilette is coming back to be in the show. And I want to be in the show too.”

Simon’s parents looked at each other briefly before Simon’s mom spoke. “That sounds like fun. What show are they doing?”

“We are going to be doing Les Misérables. And we have to have these permission slips signed to be able to audition,” he said as he pulled the folded piece of paper from his back pocket.

Patricia smiled. “I don’t think that will be a problem.”

“Hang on,” Robert cut in. “Who is in charge of this production?”

Simon hesitated, but ultimately knew he had to tell the truth. “Mr. Mazzucchelli and Ms. Wolfe. The teachers who were in charge of the theatre department this past year.”

“I don’t think that is a very good idea,” Robert said. “This show is still far too mature for your age group and the way the last show was handled, I cannot support this.”

“Robert. Can we talk about this?” Patricia asked.

“No. I won’t allow it,” Robert said with a bit too much force.

Patricia sighed with exasperation. “I am tired of you being the only one to make decisions for this family,” she said. Simon took a step back, not wanting to make the situation worse. “This is something our son loves. Why are you so adamant about keeping him from performing.”

“He can perform in more suitable shows,” Robert replied. “This Mr. Mazzucchelli is just doing these things for shock value and it really has no business in this house.”

“Why are you so scared of these things?” She asked desperately. “Hiding our son from the world does not do him any good,” she pleaded.

“And letting him prance around on stage and kiss other boys does? Then he brings them to our house? How is that helping him?”

Simon felt his blood turn cold. He hadn’t outwardly said anything about the incident a few weeks ago, but Simon could tell this was something his father had been holding in. He can’t take it anymore and the fight is too much for him to handle. The permission slip falls from his hand as he turns and runs from the living room, up the stairs to his room. He can still hear his parents downstairs fighting, but he can’t make out all of the words they are spewing at each other. At one point Simon decides to just tuned them out. He just wishes that things could be easy, but as his sheltered life seemed to keep splintering all around him, he doubted nothing ever would be.

Suddenly the sound of the front door slamming shut breaks him out of his train of thought and he can hear a car starting out in the driveway. A few minutes later, he hears a knock on his door. “Come in,” he says softly before holding his breath, not sure who will be on the other side.

“I’m so sorry you had to see that,” his mom says as she enters the room. Simon can feel the air leave his lungs, knowing she is still there for him.

“It’s fine,” he says. It’s really not, but Simon knows none of this is her fault.

As his mother makes her way to sit next to him on the bed, he sees his forgotten permission slip. Her familiar scrawl is on the bottom line.

“This is for you,” Patricia says softly as he hands him the paper. “You are going to be great in this show.”

Simon can feel a small smile forming. It seems out of place to be smiling so soon after what just happened, but he can’t help it with all the love he feels right now for his mother.

“So where is Lilette staying after she stays here?”

“She is just going to couch surf with some of the other kids in the troupe while we work on the show,” he replies.

Patricia nods softly, a contemplating look on her face, before she speaks again. “Do you want her to stay here more than just a week? She can stay as long as she needs.”

Simon gives his mother a confused look. “But Dad said she could only stay a week.”

“Your dad isn’t going to be around the house for a while. He is going to be staying elsewhere and we will decide later what we are going to do.”

Simon feels guilt overcome him, knowing he brought this all on. “Mom. I’m so sorry…”

“Sweetie, no. Don’t be sorry. This is not your fault,” she says as she puts a comforting hand on his shoulder. “I will always be on your side, Simon. Okay?”

Simon nods, letting the warmth from her hand soothe him and they sit for a while in silence. It takes a few minutes for Simon to summon the courage to ask the question he needs to ask, but doesn’t really want to.

“Mom. Are you and Dad going to get a divorce?”

Patricia lets her smile drop giving Simon a sad look. “I don’t know. I really don’t.”

 

~

 

It had been 5 months and Simon didn’t really realize how much he had missed Lilette until he was hugging her as she jumped out of the car and ran immediately to him.

“I missed you so much,” she said, as she held on to Simon tightly.

‘Me too!” he replied, hugging her back.

“You should feel flattered,” she said once she pulled away to look at her best friend. “I could have gone to see Robbie first, but I came here instead.”

Simon smiled. He knew she missed her boyfriend, but he also knew that he had been dumping all of his problems on her since he had stopped going over to Jeremy’s house and spending time with him. She knew he needed this and he couldn’t ask for a better best friend.

“Do you have all your bags?” he asked, looking behind her to her mother’s car. “My mom has the guest room all set up for you.”

Lilette was home for the next month and a half as it was finally summer vacation and the summer drama program was going to be starting later that week. After Simon and his mom talked, he had asked Lilette if she wanted to stay the whole time at his house. She was confused what had changed that she could stay longer than a week, but she agreed to stay there while she was back in Stanton. Simon hadn’t been able to tell her about everything that had happened. He thought it would be best to tell her once she got there.

“I still can’t believe you and your family are willing to put me up for the next several weeks,” she said with a smile.

“Come on. You are practically family at this point.”

“Okay baby. I have all your things ready to go inside,” Lilette’s mom said as she walked up to the two of them. “Hello Simon.”

“Hi Ms. Suarez. How is Philadelphia?”

She beamed. “It’s amazing. I love my job and I really think the change of scenery did us both some good.” Lilette smiled softly. “I know my baby girl is glad to be back with her friends though. Make sure you thank your parents again for me.”

“It was my mom. I’ll let her know,” Simon said. Lilette looked at him knowing that there was something he wasn’t telling her, but she knew to drop it until her mother had left and they were inside.

“Well please do. I better get back on the road.”

Lilette quickly gave her mom a hug goodbye and then the two of them were carrying her bags inside.

Simon’s mom had taken Emma to a pottery class so they had a few hours to catch up, just the two of them.

“Ok Saunders. Spill,” she said as soon as they made it to the hallway where the guest room was.

“What do you mean?” Simon asked as he pushed the door open.

“There is obviously something you aren’t telling me yet. What is wrong?”

“Just... I need to warn you before my mom gets home… My dad isn’t here.”

“Like he’s at work?”

“No. My parents… My parents are separated.”

“Oh my god Simon. Why didn’t you tell me?” Lilette said, almost offended that he best friend had kept something so big from her. “I could have stayed somewhere else.”

“No,” he replied quickly. “My mom wants you here. It was her idea for you to stay here the whole time this summer.“

“What happened?” she asked.

“My mom knows…”

“Oh my god. Simon you came out?”

“No. But my dad was just saying these things about not wanting me to be in the show this summer and the time Jeremy came over and about the show last year and I just couldn’t take it and I ran out and my mom just... I think she just knew. I didn’t have to say anything and she was telling my dad that she wouldn’t allow him to continue talking like that around here and then he was just… gone. And she came in a had a talk with me that she would always stand by me and that she loved me no matter what.”

“So you haven’t told your mom?” Lilette asked.

Simon shrugged his shoulders. “I think I want to, but I still can’t even say the word out loud so I don’t know when that will happen.”

“It’s okay,” Lilette said, rubbing circles on his back. ‘I know I’ve said it a thousand times but it’s alright for you to take your time.”

Simon smiled. “I’m just really glad you’re here. I really needed someone to talk to.”

Lilette gave him a sympathetic look. “Jeremy still hasn’t reached out?”

He shook his head before replying. “No. I’ve seen him a few times this past month, but it was always when we were with everyone else. We haven’t talked since the day after he came to my house and asked for space.”

“Well you’re going to see him again in two days. How are you feeling about that?” she asked as she sat on the bed.

Simon let out a groan. “I’m terrified actually.”


	6. I think it would have happened eventually

Simon really wasn’t expecting the amount of people that showed up for auditions. Everyone from the troupe was there of course, but it seemed opening the program up to neighboring towns had drawn in some more talent. Word of their ‘edgy’ production last year had spread and it seemed that some other students in the neighboring towns were excited about the prospect of doing shows that were more mature and challenging. Everyone from the Stanton troupe kept close together, but there were some new faces that Simon did recognize though. Both Kaitlin and Sadie, Mr. Mazzu’s daughters were there and everyone was glad to see that Maashous was also back and staying with the Mazzucchelli’s for the summer so he could do the lighting designs for the show. There was someone that was clustered with the troupe that Simon didn’t recognize. The brunette boy that was talking to Michael and Maashous. 

“Who’s that?” Lilette asked. She had noticed Simon looking at him with the question written on his face, but knew he wouldn’t want to ask. 

“Oh. That’s Dylan,” Jolene said. “His family just moved to Stanton about two months ago. He was in History with Michael and apparently he told him about the show this summer so here he is. Fresh blood.”

“Is he any good?” Simon asked.

Lexi shrugged. “Word is he is from Pittsburg and was in the drama program there. But I guess we’ll see soon enough since auditions should be starting soon.”

Almost as if they had heard the conversation that they were having, Michael and Maashous began making their way over to the group with Dylan following behind. 

“Hey everyone,” Michael began. “So this is Dylan. He just moved here and doesn’t really know anybody so I said he could hang out with us. Is that cool?”

The troupe nodded. It seemed they were just excited about having someone new to add to the mix. 

“So Dylan. Tell us about yourself. We are all dying to know everything,” Jolene said.

He laughed with a shake of his head. “I mean there isn’t much to tell. I moved here from just outside of Pittsburg. My dad was apparently able to by up some real estate here so he moved my whole family here to flip the properties and start his own real estate firm. It’s very different here though. Not too much to do.”

“Yeah,” Lexi said. “It’s pretty boring here which is why we have to let our teenage aggression out on stage or else we would just run wild.” Everyone laughed at that.

“Michael told me all about what you guys did with your show last year. It sounded very cool. I’m excited to do this one with you all,” Dylan said in response. 

“So did you do any theatre in Pittsburg?” Violet asked.

“Oh yeah. I did several shows. Never a leading role, but I just enjoy being a part of everything so I always helped out with the shows,” he answered.

“Well we’re glad to have you here,” Michael said as he clapped the boy on the back.

As everyone stood around waiting for Mr. Mazzu and Ms. Wolfe to kick off auditions, Simon heard the door in the side of the auditorium close and turned to see Jeremy making his way over to the group. 

He didn’t like the spike of jealousy he felt when he overheard Dylan ask Michael who he was. 

Auditions finally got started and everyone is just excited to be back in the auditorium again performing. Everything goes smoothly and the troupe is surprised that Dylan is actually a good singer. Mr. Mazzu and Ms. Wolfe dismiss everyone and announce that the cast list will be sent out in an email on Sunday before their first official rehearsal on the following Monday. 

As everyone begins to gather their things, Simon keeps an eye on Jeremy. The silence is really starting to get to Simon and he knows he agreed to give the boy some space, but he really needs to talk to him about everything that has been happening. 

He’s just finished putting his jacket on when Lilette comes over. “Hey. I’m going to go over to Robbie’s for a bit if that’s okay?”

Simon smiles. “Of course. I’ll let my mom know that way she knows you’ll be coming in later,” he says as he eyes go back to looking at Jeremy over her shoulder. He’s talking with some of the other troupe members and Simon is just waiting for a moment when he is alone. She looks over her shoulder to see what has captured Simon’s attention and then turns back with a knowing smile. “”You’re ready to talk to Jeremy again?”

Simon sighed. “It’s been over a month. I want to give him time, but I feel like I have to be the one to reach out.”

Lilette nodded at him and then said, “So just go do it then. Go and talk to him.”

“It isn’t that easy. I don’t want to ambush him,” he replied. 

“So you’re waiting for him to come to you, but you want to be the one to reach out?” she asked, confused. 

“No,” Simon said. “I just want to wait until he is alone.”

Lilette laughed. “That still sounds a bit like ambushing him. So how is that any different from just going up to him now?” she asked with a smile.

“I don’t know. It just seems easier,” he stated.

Lilette nodded, a contemplating look on her face, before she spoke again. “That’s dumb. Let’s go,” she said as she grabbed Simon’s hand and pulled him along with her over to where Jeremy was standing with Lexi and Jolene. “Hey guys! Jeremy, I didn’t get to say hi before auditions started. How are you?” she asked as she gave him a hug. Simon knew that Jeremy would know he had told Lilette about everything that had happened.

“Um. Things are good,” he said with a soft smile. “How is Philadelphia?”

“Well there’s more things to do, but I like the people here better,” she said as she smiled at everyone. “Well I better get going. Robbie is waiting for me outside. Are you girls heading out too?” she said pointedly to Lexi and Jolene. Simon wondered if there was a secret girl language that they used telepathically. Or maybe Simon and Jeremy just weren’t as good with hiding how awkward everything had been between them as they had thought. 

“Yeah,” Lexi said with a nod as she and Jolene looked between Simon and Jeremy. “We’re heading out too. See you guys later.” She said as the three of them began to make their way towards the exit.

“That was subtle,” Jeremy said with a laugh. 

“I’m sorry about that,” Simon said, as he lifted his hand to scratch at the nape of his neck. He was honestly a bit mortified. “I guess Lilette just thinks she has to make up for not being able to embarrass me in person the last few months.”

Jeremy smiled. “Don’t be embarrassed. It’s nice that she cares so much, right?”

Simon sighed. “Yeah. It is.”

The silence that stretched between them was awkward and Jeremy broke it first.

“I’m really sorry about everything.” He said quietly.

“Me too,” Simon said softly. He took a look around and saw that there were still a few people milling about. “Do you need a ride home? I’d really like to talk.”

Jeremy nodded and the two of them made their way out to Simon’s car. Once they were settled inside Jeremy began to speak again. “I’m sorry that I kind of shut you out.”

Simon tapped his fingers on the steering wheel. “It’s okay,” he said. If he was being honest it really wasn’t, but Simon just wanted Jeremy back in his life and it felt like the right thing to say. 

Jeremy sighed. “I just needed some time to think and I needed to handle some things and looking back it wasn’t very fair to just do that to you. Especially since I saw everything you were dealing with. I just really don’t want to mess this up and say or do the wrong thing or push you to do something and so I just… I had to work through some stuff,” he finished, his cheeks pink and his eyes unable to look over at Simon. “But if you want to be friends still then I would really like that.”

Simon couldn’t help but smile a little. ‘I’d like that too. Really,” he said as he shot a look toward Jeremy. 

Jeremy finally smiled back. “So how have things been? At home?”

Simon takes a shuddering breath. “Things have been... A lot has happened.”

Jeremy gave him a concerned look. “Like what?”

Simon kept his eyes focused on the road ahead of him, his hand gripping the steering wheel tighter than necessary. “My dad left. Or… My mom made him leave. I don’t know what is going to happen there, but right before school let out they got into a huge fight and he’s gone. Well for now anyway.”

“Oh my god Simon you could have told me. Are you okay? Why did they fight?” It was obvious that Jeremy couldn’t help the questions that came out. He wasn’t sure if he even had a right to know the answer anymore, but luckily Simon wanted him to know. He really did.

“It was about the show. I hadn’t told them about the summer program until I had to have them sign the permission slip and he just started saying things about last year and about… other things and my mom made him leave. I guess he is staying with someone he works with? I don’t know too much. My mom only tells me the bare minimum.”

“But are you okay?” Jeremy asked again. 

Simon took in a deep breath. “I think so. I mean I hated it while it was happening and I still feel like this is all my fault, but my mom came to talk to me and I’m just really glad she is so supportive of me and being able to do shows.”

Jeremy worried his hands in his lap before asking his next question. “Did any of it have to do with my last visit to your house?”

Simon stole a glance over at the blonde boy who was avoiding his gaze. He didn’t want to make him feel bad, but he also knew he couldn’t lie to him. Not after everything. So he decided to go with the truth. “To be honest things have been really rough at home since your visit, but I don’t think that was what made everything happen. I think it would have happened eventually so, please don’t feel bad.”

Jeremy looked at Simon trying to read him and was able to see that he really was telling him the truth. He let out a sigh. “It still sucks. I’m sorry.”

“Yeah,” Simon answered simply. “But my mom does feel bad for the way things ended last time you were over so she really wants you to come by again. Maybe actually stay for dinner this time.”

Jeremy teased. “But schools out. There’s no homework to work on.”

Simon gave Jeremy a smile before speaking. “I know.”

“Ok,” Jeremy smiled back. “I’d like that.”

Simon lets out a breath. It feels like a huge relief. Settling everything with Jeremy feels like he is checking off a task on an imaginary to do list on the way to finally being able to accept himself. 

It feels like everything will be okay and that everything will go back to the way it was before.

Except that things are never that easy for Simon.


	7. What if I’m not what he thinks he wants

“Simon! It is so good to see you again!”

Simon smiled at the greeting he received as soon as he walked into the kitchen. “Thanks Mrs. Travers.”

“It’s only been a little over a month. You know the rule,” she said teasingly.

Simon laughed. “Sorry. Mrs. Becky.”

“There we go,” she finished with a smile looking over at her son. “As soon as Jeremy asked me to make lasagna tonight I knew you would be coming over so I had to make sure I had all the things I needed. He had mentioned that was your favorite, right?”

Jeremy groaned, his cheeks turning pink. “Mom. Please.”

Simon smiled at Jeremy feeling a warmth in his chest. “Yeah. It’s my favorite.”

“Well then you boys just head upstairs and I will call you down when it is ready,” she finished with a smile.

Simon barely heard the ‘ _gladly_ ’ that Jeremy mumbled under his breath as he turned to exit the kitchen.

‘You know,” Jeremy said as he opened his bedroom door and made his way into the room. “I regret telling her that you liked her lasagna so much. It just gave her a big head.”

“Well,” Simon began simply. “Can you really blame her? I mean it’s really good.”

“Yeah but now anytime I ask if she is going to make it she is just going to assume you’ll be coming over.”

Simon smiled. “I mean that’s fine. You supply me with food and I can entertain you with my company.”

Jeremy beamed, his blush creeping back into his face. “Okay, deal. Anyway, how do you feel about the auditions? You nervous about tomorrow?”

It was a Saturday and the next day everyone would be getting the email with the cast list for the show. Simon shrugged. “I don’t know. I mean I would love to get cast as Valjean, but Marius or Enjolras are great parts too.”

“Hey! I put Enjolras as my first choice,” Jeremy replied. “I’m hoping the whole blonde hair, blue eyes thing will work in my favor on that one.”

Simon let out a laugh. He had missed this. The moments where he could just be and not worry about expectations or anything. Things had been a lot better at home for him since his dad left, but there was always the ever present sense of dread that the other shoe would drop at any moment. He didn’t know when it would happen, but he knew that it had to sooner or later.

But right here right now, sitting in Jeremy’s room and discussing who they thought would be cast in the show, Simon felt like things might not turn out too bad after all.

 

~

 

Simon was currently sitting in church with his mother and his sister when he felt his phone vibrating in his pocket. He knew that he really shouldn’t look at it, but his curiosity got the better of him as he tried to stealthily pull it out of his pocket to take a peak at who was messaging him.

 

****

Simon felt a smile spread across his face at the words on his phone screen before he stuffed his phone back into his pocket hoping to not be caught.

The rest of mass felt like it continued on forever, but as soon as it was over he leapt up from his seat. “Hey Mom I am going to run outside. The cast list was emailed so I want to see what everyone got,” he said as she gave him a questioning look.

“And what did you get?” A small, knowing smile was on her lips. “Don’t think I didn’t see you look at your phone during the homily.”

Simon looked sheepishly at his mother. “It was from Jeremy. I got cast as Marius.”

Patricia smiled at her son. “That’s wonderful honey. Well, go outside and call Jeremy.”

Simon turned and made his way toward the exit pulling his phone from his pocket. As soon as he got through the door and outside of the church, he hit the call button. It didn’t take long for the other boy to answer.

“So did you see the cast list?” Jeremy asked as soon as the call connected.

“No. I literally just got out of church and wanted to call.”

“Oh,” Jeremy said sounding embarrassed. “I didn’t mean to text you while you were at church. I’m sorry.”

Simon let out a small chuckle before speaking. “Its okay. I only got a little bit of teasing from my mom for checking my phone during mass. So are you going to just keep me waiting or am I going to have to ask what role you got?”

“Oh!” Jeremy said excitedly. “I got Enjolras! Just like I wanted. So I’m pretty happy.”

During the call Simon learned who got cast as what. Lilette had been cast in the role of Eponine and Simon couldn’t think of a more perfect casting choice for that. He knew that was the part she had really wanted too so he was happy for her. Robbie would be playing Jean Valjean and Michael was cast to be Javert. Gwen had been cast as Fantine and Simon couldn’t wait to hear her sing I Dreamed a Dream. He knew she would be great. For Jolene’s senior year she was finally an understudy no more landing the role of Cosette. And Cheryl and Clark had been cast as the Thenardiers’. Everyone in the troupe had gotten a part along with many of the new comers.

Simon was just excited to finally get back on the stage.

 

~

 

It was the first day of rehearsals and everyone was buzzing. 

Jolene sighed. “I can’t believe all my sucking up to Ms. Wolfe is finally paying off.”

“Oh come on Jolene. You don’t think talent has anything to do with it?” Harmony replies.

“All I’m saying is that I paid my dues and now it is time I get to reap the benefits,” she said with a shrug.

“Well I’m excited. I think this is going to be a lot of fun,” Clark said with a smile.

Everyone was gathered around waiting for Tracey and Lou and talking about the show.

“I think it’s fitting that we got cast to be characters that are good friends,” Lilette said to Simon as she gave him a hug from the side.

“Except you have to be in love with me,” he pointed out.

She looked at him with a smile. “As if I’m not already.”

“You two are gross. Stop. I don’t want to see my breakfast again,” Jolene said with mock disgust. 

Everyone laughed as Mr. Mazzu and Ms. Wolfe made their way onto the stage holding stacks of scripts and everyone began to take their seats. Simon’s felt his heartbeat quicken as Jeremy took the seat next to his and gave him a soft smile.

“Everyone. Welcome,” Mr. Mazzu said as the room began to quiet down. “ We are very excited that you all are here and we hope you guys are ready to start working on the show,” he said and everyone in the auditorium began to clap and cheer.

“Now we are going to start with a read through and we have scripts here, but we have another order coming in that hasn’t gotten here yet,” Ms. Wolfe said. “So for now we need some of you to share if you don’t mind.”

“We understand the leads need their own copies to get started on memorizing your lines, but for the supporting characters it is only going to be temporary as the shipment should be here later this week.” 

Simon leaned over to Jeremy. “I can share with you,” he said, subconsciously looking for an excuse to hang out at Jeremy’s house again.

“No. You are a lead so you need your own script,” he said with a smile. “I’ll be fine.”

Suddenly they were interrupted by a voice from behind.

“My part is Grantaire,” Dylan said, leaning forward talking to Jeremy. “We are in most of our scenes together and I really don’t have very many lines so we can share if you want.”

“Um. Yeah. Sure. That should work,” Jeremy stuttered out, giving the other boy a smile.

“Cool,” Dylan replied sitting back in his chair.

‘ _Not cool’_ Simon thought to himself. ‘ _So not cool.’_  

 

~

 

Rehearsals were going great and everyone was excited to be together again working on the show. Because it was summer they could spend their whole days in rehearsals and everyone is happy about that.

Well. Everyone except Simon.

At first it was great. He was surround by his friends and he and Jeremy were on speaking terms again. He had been over to the Travers’ house a few more times and Jeremy had finally been able to come over to have dinner with Simon and his family (Lilette had thankfully gone out with Robbie that night as Simon was nervous enough just having his family there. He could only imagine how much teasing Lilette would have given him throughout the dinner). Things had really seemed to work themselves out and Simon was happy about that. 

But Dylan had worked his way into the troupe seamlessly. Everyone seemed to love the guy. Including Jeremy.

Simon had come in to rehearsals one day during the second week to find Michael, Sasha, Jeremy, Dylan and Lexi all huddled together. He shot Lilette a confused look and she shrugged her shoulders as they continued to make their way over to the group.

“Hey guys,” Simon said as he and Lilette took two seats by the five of them.

“Hey,” Jeremy said excitedly, giving Simon a smile that made his stomach flip.

“What are you guys talking about?” Lilette asked.

“Well I was just talking to them about how at my old school we had this club called the Gay Straight Alliance and you guys don’t have one here. So I thought it would be cool if maybe we got one going next year,” he said with a smile. The guy was nice. Simon couldn’t deny that. But there was something that he just didn’t like about him. 

“I think this is a great idea,” Michael said excitedly. “And we have a great collection of the LGBT community right here. I mean a Trans boy, a gay guy, a lesbian and a bisexual. You guys can join too,” Michael continued looking at Lilette and Simon. “I mean it is a Gay _Straight_ Alliance.” 

“I think it’s a good idea too,” Jeremy said with a smile. “I mean an inclusive club for everyone. Gay, straight or _questioning,_ ” he finished, his eyes catching Simons for the tiniest moment before averting away.

Dylan smiled. “So it’s settled. I have Michael’s number, but I should get yours Jeremy. You know, so we can text about the club,” he said, blushing. Simon felt his stomach drop.

“Um. Yeah,” Jeremy said, pulling his phone out of his pocket and handing it over to the other boy. “Here, just send a text to yourself that way we both have each other’s numbers.”

“Awesome,” Dylan said, giving Jeremy a soft smile.

And with that smile, Simon finally understood why he didn’t like Dylan.

 

~

 

Dylan seemed to really like being around Jeremy and that made Simon jealous. What made him even more jealous is that Jeremy seemed to welcome the attention. Dylan didn’t hide the fact he was gay and Simon was pretty sure he was flirting with Jeremy. What really pained him though was that he thought Jeremy was flirting back.

They were in their third week of rehearsals and Dylan had to miss rehearsal that day. Simon was a little happy about that. He did feel a bit guilty, but he was happy to have most of Jeremy’s attention again. But during lunch break that day things got a lot more complicated.

Several members of the troupe were just sitting around eating, talking and enjoying their break from the long rehearsal hours. Simon, Lilette, Robbie, Jeremy, Jolene, Lexi, Francis, Clark, Michael, Sasha, Maashous, and Kaitlin were all siting in a large circle in the floor of the greenroom.

“So Jeremy,” Jolene said with a devilish smile. “How are things with you and Dylan?”

Simon felt his breath hitch and he knew Lilette noticed as she was sitting right next to him.

“What do you mean?” Jeremy asked, confused.

“Oh nothing,” she said waving her hand through the air. “I have just noticed that things have been pretty cozy between you two during rehearsals.”

“Stop, no they aren’t. We’re friends.” Jeremy looked embarrassed. 

Michael and Lexi laughed before Michael spoke. “It is pretty obvious he has a crush on you Jer.”

Simon was getting uncomfortable with this conversation and Lilette knew exactly what Simon was thinking so she tried to interject and diffuse the situation.

“Hey, if Jeremy says they are just friends then let’s just leave it at that,” she said.

“Except…” Jolene stated with a smirk. “I totally heard him ask you out on Tuesday.”

Jeremy continued to look embarrassed. “He just asked if I wanted to hang out sometime. It wasn’t a big deal.”

“Yeah, no man. That is totally him asking you out,” Clark replied.

“So what did you tell him?” Lexi asked.

“I said maybe if there was enough time between rehearsals and everything else,” Jeremy said, his eyes flicking over to Simon.

“That is lame. You have plenty of time. You should totally go,” Jolene urged.

“Yeah. He’s really nice and you two seem to get along really well,” Lexi said.

“I don’t know,” Jeremy said, his eyes once again meeting Simon’s. It seemed like he was pleading for an answer on what he should say. But Simon sat there. Silent and unsure of what he wanted to do.

“Ugh,” Jolene was getting exasperated. “Come on. We are in need of a summer showmance. Unless… there is someone else that you like...?” she said with a raised eyebrow. 

Simon wasn’t sure what we had expected to hear, but the answer Jeremy gave was really not it.

“No. There isn’t,” he said. “At least, I don’t think so. I mean I did. Like someone, but I don’t think there’s much of a chance there,” Jeremy said sadly. His eyes were suddenly looking everywhere in the room but Simon.

“Well then there you go. You have a shot with Dylan,” Jolene said smugly. “Take it.”

Simon felt the air leave his lungs and he couldn’t take another breath. “Lunch is almost over,” he said suddenly standing up trying to leave the room as quickly as possible. “I need to head back to the auditorium and grab my script to go over lines before we start rehearsal again,” he finished, not able to look anyone in the eye as he gathered his things to leave.

“I’ll go with you,” Lilette said, realizing why Simon wanted to leave.

“No,” Simon said. He really didn’t want to talk about it.

Lilette gave him a tight smile as she threw her back over her shoulder. “I’m going with,” she said simply. 

Simon just turned and began walking away.

“Simon. Talk to me,” Lilette said, trailing behind him as they walked through the hallway.

“There’s nothing to talk about. Things are great,” he said. They both knew it was a lie, but he didn’t know if he could do this right now.

“Saunders,” Lilette said angrily as she continued to follow Simon to the auditorium.

“What Lil? What do you want to say?” he asked as they made it to the theatre. They were the only ones in there, luckily, since everyone was still enjoying their free time before rehearsals ramped up again.

“Just tell him there is a chance Simon,” she said softly. “I think that’s all he wants.”

“How is that fair Lilette?” he asked sadly. “As much as I like him… I can’t say there is a chance. I am finally starting to come to terms with these feelings and trying to be okay with it, but I don’t know if I can ever be ready to have a relationship like that.”

“What do you mean?” she asked.

“I don’t know. To be out and proud? For everyone to know? He deserves more than a confused closet case stringing him along all through high school,” he replied, tears threatening to spill. “Maybe it’s best that he moved on and is into Dylan,” he forced out.

“I know you don’t mean that,” Lilette said quickly, “because you literally had the most disgusted face when you said Dylan’s name.”

“What can I do?” Simon said sadly. “I like him Lil. I think I really do. I … whatever,” Simon stopped himself. He definitely wasn’t ready for that. He took a breath before continuing. “I’m still not ready. And he deserves more than what I could give him right now. And he might not be my favorite person, but Dylan is out and he looks at Jeremy the way I wish I could and as much as I hate to see them together and flirting I can’t be too mad because… I think seeing Jeremy happy is the only thing I want.”

“Oh my god,” Lilette said, bringing her hand to cover her mouth, an astonished look on her face.

“What?” Simon asked, worried about what her answer would be.

“I think you love him.”

“What?” Simon said trying to hide the panic in his voice. He really had thought he was more subtle than that. “No. I don’t. I can’t”

“Yes. You do, Simon,” she continued with a soft smile. “Tell him.”

Simon shook his head unable to meet her eyes anymore. “I can’t Lilette,” he replied sadly.

“Why not?”

Simon sighed, his frustration evident. “For all the same reasons as before.”

“But you know your mom will be okay with it and you know I’m okay with it. It isn’t like you have to come out to everyone at the same time. You can go as slowly as you need. Jeremy will understand.”

“But that is just it Lilette. I don’t want to make him understand. He doesn’t deserve that,” he explained.

Lilette looked at Simon sadly, thinking her words over before she replied. “Why don’t you let Jeremy decide what he deserves?”

Simon looks down at his feet, wishing that they could just take him away from this conversation. Away from his troubles and his fears. Away from everything. “Because I’m scared,” he answered as he took a seat in the front row of the auditorium.

“What are you scared of?” she asked. Simon shot her a look and she began to clarify. “Other than all the things we have already talked about you being scared of. I mean there’s more to it than what you’re saying.”

Simon sighed and rubbed his hands over his face. “I’m scared that this is just some pity project for him. You know, help the confused kid that’s going through a sexuality and morality crisis.”

“You don’t really think that,” Lilette said simply. “You’re deflecting.”

Simon shook his head. “What I mean is… what if I’m not what he thinks he wants.”

Lilette gave Simon a smile. “Simon. Jeremy doesn’t think you are anything other than who you are. And who you are is incredibly loving and loyal. Yeah, you might be a little confused right now, but I have faith that you are going to get through this Simon. It isn’t going to be today and it probably won’t be tomorrow, but the thing that both me and Jeremy know is that you will get through this.”

Simon felt the tears falling down his face and turned slightly so he could make eye contact with Lilette. “How do you know that?”

She gave him a soft smile, tears filling her eyes as well. “Because I know you.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ANother chapter so soon? It's a miracle. Hopefully my casting decisions make sense. Please let me know what you think and give a comment or kudos. I appreciate them so much.


	8. I’m mad that you moved on

“Simon! Please pay attention. This scene is important and we are less than two weeks away from opening.” Simon tore his eyes away from where he had been watching Jeremy and Dylan talking in the wings of the stage. Mr. Mazzu was standing next to Simon and Jolene as they were running In My Life and A Heart Full of Love. “This is the scene where we have to believe in the love Cosette and Marius share. Lilette you are doing wonderful,” he said as an aside. “But Simon and Jolene I just need a little … More.”

“Sorry Mr. Mazzu.” Simon could feel his cheeks heating up in embarrassment as the drama teacher walked over to the band to no doubt give them some more notes.

Jolene looked behind her shoulder in the direction Simon had been staring and turned back to him. “What’s going on Saunders?”

“Nothing.” He really didn’t mean to be so terse, but his nerves were on edge. Jolene had a teasing look in her eye that he had seen far too often and he didn’t like it.

“Ok. Calm down,” she said dramatically. “I didn’t mean to get you all worked up.”

“Really?” Simon didn’t buy that for a minute.

“Ok fine. Maybe a little,” she said with a smile before her face went serious. “But this is my first time being a lead and I really want to kill it on opening night. I know you can do moony-eyed love scenes. So just… Imagine I am someone else. That’s probably what you did with Jeremy last year for your scene in Spring Awakening, right?”

Simon couldn’t breathe. “What?”

“You guys just had this amazing chemistry for the show. So just do whatever you did then,” she answered.

Simon stared at Jolene. “Can we just do the scene again?” he asked. Mr. Mazzu had finished with the band and had made his way back over to where they were standing.

“Yes. From the top. Just…” Mr. Mazzu paused. “Remember to kick it up a bit. I want to feel that both Marius and Cosette are helplessly in love. So pull that feeling from somewhere.” Simon nodded as they all got back into their positions and he thought about what Jolene had said.

But he wouldn’t admit that he replaced Jolene in his mind with another blonde standing less than twenty feet away. After they had finished running the number, Mr. Mazzucchelli praised him.

He said it was their best run through yet.

 

~

 

Simon woke with a start, tears in his eyes. It had felt so real. The fear. The hate. He had been having the nightmares ever since his dad left, but this was definitely the worst. He looked around his room. It looked just like it had in his dream. He could almost see the ghost of his father standing over him telling him all the things that were wrong about him. How he was sick. How he was going to hell.

Simon got up quickly from his bed. He couldn’t stay in there. He definitely couldn’t go back to sleep. At least not right now. Before he had really registered what he was doing, he had grabbed a jacket from the coat rack and was putting his shoes on.

It was after midnight on a Thursday. He really shouldn’t be leaving his house in the middle of the night like this, but he just couldn’t stay there. His mind was whirling with the images from his dream and he felt like he couldn’t breathe. 

As Simon began driving through the empty streets of Stanton he didn’t consciously know where he was going until he was turning onto a very familiar street. He parked his car in front of the house and took a deep breath, picking up his phone.

 

[ ](https://cdn.ifaketextmessage.com/convos/2018/08/iphone-2iTk.png)

Simon didn’t respond. He knew he didn’t need to. Before he knew it he saw the front door of the Travers' house open, a familiar figure making his way toward Simon’s car.

Jeremy climbed into the passenger seat looking very confused. “Simon what happened?”

Simon sighed, looking out the driver’s side door. “I had a nightmare.” It sounded too simplistic, but he knew Jeremy would understand. 

“I’m so sorry,” he said softly, his hand reaching over to Simon’s shoulder. “Was it about your dad?”

Simon shifted in his seat to look at Jeremy. He could feel the tears in the corners of his eyes. He opened his mouth to speak, but he couldn’t make the words come out. He felt Jeremy’s grip on his shoulder tighten as he was pulled across the console and into an embrace.

He wasn’t sure how long they stayed like that. Jeremy just held Simon as he let the tears fall. After a while though, the tears slowed down. The dream began to feel more like a distant memory and Simon pushed it away to focus on the boy in front of him. 

After a few minutes Jeremy pulled back slightly to look Simon in the eyes. “Do you want to talk about it now?”

Simon nodded. “It isn’t the first time it has happened,” he explained. “This one just felt so real. One minute I’m in my room and my dad is yelling and saying these horrible things and then the next minute I’m awake, but my room was exactly the same and I… I just couldn’t get those words out of my head.”

Jeremy pulled Simon back into a hug. Simon could feel the other boy take in a breath before he pulled away completely.

“I hate that you feel this way,” he said softly, looking at Simon with sad eyes.

Simon let out an exasperated breath. “Yeah me too. I just want to turn that part of my brain off, but I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to.”

Jeremy looked at Simon with questioning eyes. “What do you mean?” 

“I want to be okay with this,” he said sadly. “I really do… But every time I think I might be okay with being… with having these feelings, I just hear that voice or I have another dream and I can’t help but wonder if he’s right. That there is something wrong with me.”

Jeremy continued to watch Simon. It was obvious he was mulling over his words very carefully. “Is there something wrong with me?” he asked.

“What?” Simon was confused. How could Jeremy think that? There was nothing wrong with him. He was perfect. “Of course not. Why would you think that?” 

“Well,” he began, making sure to keep eye contact as he spoke his next words. “If there’s something wrong with you then there has to be something wrong with me, right?” 

“No. Jeremy there isn’t anything wrong with you.”

“So why would there be anything wrong with you?” he asked. It was such a simple question, yet Simon had been wrestling with it for months. But when Jeremy asked, it seemed so easy.

“I’m working on it,” he said. “I’m trying.”

Jeremy reached his had out again, rubbing Simon’s shoulder. Even though he was wearing a jacket he could feel the heat from the other boy’s hand on his skin. “I know. And I will continue to be here to remind you that there isn’t anything wrong with you. I’ll keep saying it until you start to believe it. And then I’ll probably still say it. Forever,” he finished with a smile. 

Simon smiled back. He might be a mess, but when Jeremy looked at him like that he just really wanted to get to the point where he was okay with it all. “I’m sorry for waking you up so late.”

Jeremy shrugged his shoulders. “It’s okay. I’m just glad I could be here for you. You can always reach out to me.”

“Thanks. I think I might go back home now. I feel a lot better,” he said. He didn’t really want to go home. If Simon could have it his way then the two of them would sit in his car talking until the sun came up. But they had rehearsal again the next day and Jeremy’s drooping eyelids were a clear sign of just how tired he was.

“Okay,” Jeremy answered turning to the car door to open it.

“Do you think I can come over on Saturday?” Simon asked quickly before the other boy had gotten out of the car.

“Um… This Saturday? I kind of have some plans already lined up.” Jeremy looked embarrassed. Simon wasn’t sure why.

“Oh. That’s okay,” he answered.

“But maybe Sunday?” Jeremy offered. “After you get out of church?” 

“Okay,” Simon answered. “That should work. Anyway you should probably get back inside and go to bed.” 

“Yeah,” Jeremy said. “Night, Simon. See you tomorrow.”

“Yeah. Bye,” Simon said as the other boy closed the door.

He didn’t like the knot that he felt in his stomach as he turned the car on and pulled back out onto the road. And it didn’t get any better as he drove home in silence.

 

~

 

It was the Monday of their final week of rehearsals. Tech week was always a stressful time for any production, but in the first half of the day things hadn’t gone too horribly wrong. There were of course some rough patches, but over all things were looking like the show would shape up to be a good one.

Simon was sitting with Jeremy, Lilette, Robbie, Jolene, Lexi and Clark for lunch. They had been talking about show related things when Lexi spoke.

“Okay, let’s change the subject,” she said a smile on her face. “Jeremy. Tell us about your date on Saturday.”

Jeremy’s eyes quickly darted to Simon’s, a clear panic in them. Simon felt his stomach drop.

“Um. There isn’t really much to tell,” he said awkwardly, focusing intently on his lunch.

“Um, yes there is,” Jolene said quickly. Teasing. “Just tell us everything that happened.”

Jeremy was hesitant. It was pretty obvious he didn’t want to talk about it with Simon right there. And Simon really didn’t want to hear it. But at the same time he did want to know. Maybe the date had gone horribly. It’s that hope that makes him speak.

“Just tell them,” he says, trying to sound nonchalant. Lilette shoots Simon a confused look. He ignored her and continued speaking. “You know they aren’t going to shut up about it until you do.”

Jeremy rubs the back of his neck. A quirk Simon knew he had. He was nervous.

“It was nice,” he said softly. Jolene and Lexi were looking at him, their eyes urging him to continue. “We went to Volpe’s so, not really original but what else is there in this town? Then after that we drove to a park by the river and he had stuff to start a fire and for s’mores and so we just did that and … talked. We had a good time,” he finished, his cheeks pink and eyes looking anywhere but at Simon.

“Oh my god you two totally made out,” Jolene blurted.

Jeremy’s face was red and he quickly stuttered out a reply. “What? No. I mean. We didn’t.”

Lexi jumps in, a teasing smile on her face. “You totally did. You are blushing so much.”

“That doesn’t mean anything,” Jeremy answered looking embarrassed.

Simon can feel his face heating up. He’s not sure exactly what emotion he is feeling right now, but he knows it can’t be a good one.

He feels Lilette lean over so she can whisper to him quietly so no one else can hear. “Are you okay?”

He began to shake his head immediately, answering her question. “I have to go.” He doesn’t mean to but he feels himself stand up suddenly to leave the room. He can’t do this.

Simon turns down the hallway getting as far from the greenroom as he can. When he comes to a stop he finds himself alone in a secluded hallway. He doesn’t hear any signs that anyone followed him so he lets out a breath and leans against the wall. He can’t stop the tears that are falling.

All he thought he wanted was to see Jeremy happy, but he didn’t expect that it would hurt this much.

 

~

 

They were in their third day of Tech Week and Simon had been avoiding Jeremy since lunch on Monday. He knew he didn’t have a right to be so angry, but that didn’t stop the feelings from being there.

It was the end of the day and Simon and Lilette were the only one’s in the auditorium. Everyone else had already been dismissed, as Mr. Mazzu wanted to work a little more on A Little Fall of Rain with them.

“Good. That’s great you guys. Really. I think this is going to be a fantastic show,” Lou said excitedly.

“Thanks Mr. Mazzu,” Lilette said sweetly.

“Alright. You two can head out now,” he said as he closed his show notebook and removed his reading glasses. “Have a good night.”

The two left the stage and began to make their way to the greenroom. They had expected the greenroom to be empty by now, but there was one person sitting around and waiting.

Lilette quickly grabbed her backpack and started to walk toward the door. “I’m just going to wait outside,” she said quickly. “Actually I’ll just call Robbie to come pick me up.”

“No Lilette,” Simon said quickly. He didn’t want her to leave him alone.

“I’ll see you later Simon,” she said as she left the room, leaving Simon alone with the one person he had been trying his best to avoid.

“Simon please talk to me,” Jeremy pleaded.

Simon shook his head. He really didn’t want to be here in this situation, but the universe was against him once again. “So it’s official,” he said his voice sounding forced. “You and Dylan are boyfriends now.”

Jeremy shook his head walking closer to Simon. “He’s not my boyfriend.”

“But you went on a date with him,” he retorted. He hated that he felt this way, but he couldn’t keep the anger from coloring his voice.

Jeremy let out a sigh, his shoulders slumping helplessly. “Simon…”

“No,” Simon said putting on a fake smile. “It’s great. Really.”

He could feel Jeremy’s frustration. “Why are you acting this way?”

Simon let out a cynical laugh. “What way?”

“Like I wronged you somehow,” Jeremy replied, his own anger coming through.

Simon shook his head turning away from the other boy. “I’m not acting like that.”

Jeremy walk around to be back in Simon’s line of sight. “Yes you are. Anytime Dylan tries to have a conversation with you at rehearsal you shut him down. You’re my best friend so he just wants you to like him.”

Simon felt his hands clenching into fists. He knew he was going to regret this, but he couldn’t keep his mouth shut. “Well I don’t like him and I’m not going to, okay? So you can tell him to stop trying.”

Jeremy shook his head, his frustration evident. “Simon, what is your problem?”

He tried to keep it in. He really did. But Simon was tired of pushing his feelings down. The pressure had finally built up too much to be contained. “My problem is that I’m mad that you moved on.”

Jeremy stood there. Eyes wide and confused. “What?”

Simon let out a sigh. There wasn’t any going back from this so he let it all out. “I know that it’s selfish and too much to ask, but I think a part of me just wanted you to wait around until I was ready.”

“Ready for what?” Jeremy had asked, but Simon was pretty sure he already knew the answer.

“To be with you.” In the quietness of the room his reply felt deafening.

Jeremy took a step closer. “Simon…”

“No please,” Simon said stepping back from the other boy. “I get it okay. You moved on. I don’t need to hear you say it.”

Jeremy looked at Simon sadly. “I wanted you to ask me to wait for you.”

Simon’s head turned quickly to look at the other boy. “What?”

“God Simon,” Jeremy began raking his hands through his hair. “I wanted to, but you kept pushing me away anytime you took one step forward. I wanted to wait for you.” He said sadly. “But I can’t wait for you now. If you had asked me 2 months ago I would have. I would have waited for you. But you didn’t ask. And I took time away from you to think about it and I had to get over you Simon. It hurt a lot, but I realized the pain I had been feeling while I was pining for you was worse,” he said, slow tears had begun to fall. “So I let go and just figured it was all just the wrong place and the wrong time.”

Simon stood there taking in the words. Trying to understand them. “But if it was the right time? And the right place?” He isn’t really sure if he wants to hear the answer but he can’t help the question from coming out.

“What are you saying?” Jeremy asked sadly. “Would I break things off with Dylan if you were suddenly ready to come out? Is that what you are asking?”

Simon shook his head his thoughts whirling too quickly to really grasp any of them. “I don’t know.”

Jeremy shook his head and looked at Simon with sad eyes. His tears had stopped. “You aren’t ready. And that is okay, Simon. You have to do all of this at your own pace. No one can force you to come out. I’m not going to give you an ultimatum here but I can’t wait either. Dylan is nice. And he likes me.”

“But do you like him?”

Jeremy sighed. “I don’t know. But I think I need to give myself the chance to figure that out.”

The silence stretched between the two of them for what felt like hours. In reality Simon knew it was probably only a few minutes. But after what they had said and everything that had just happened, they were still at the same place they had started and nothing had changed. An impasse.

“Do you hate me?” Simon asked sadly.

“No Simon,” Jeremy replied quickly, shaking his head. “I could never hate you just because you aren’t ready.”

Simon looked up his eyes finding Jeremy’s and not looking away. “But for what I’ve put you through? For everything?”

Jeremy continued to stare at Simon, a million emotions flash across his face and Simon can’t pinpoint a single one. “No Simon. I don’t hate you,” Jeremy finally said averting his gaze.

“But you don’t like me anymore. You want to like Dylan.” Simon stated. He didn’t mean for anger to lace his voice but a little bit of it had made its way through anyway. These aren’t questions this time. Simon just made these statements, knowing they are true.

Jeremy looked at Simon again, a sad laugh coming out. He shook his head, before turning to walk to the door. Once he made it to the doorway Jeremy paused and slowly turned, a sigh falling from his lips before letting his eyes meet Simon’s again. He seemed unsure of whether he wanted to say what was on his mind in that moment. But Jeremy was never good at hiding his emotions. “Simon. I’m pretty sure I’m going to be a little in love with you for the rest of my life,” he said sadly, a tear falling down his cheek before turning to walk out the door.

Simon stood there, stunned. He can’t think of anything to say but it doesn’t matter much now. He’s not sure there’s anything he could have said.


	9. I don’t want to do it alone anymore

Simon was lying in his bed staring at the ceiling. When he had gotten home from rehearsal he went straight to his room and hadn’t left the entire evening. He told his mom he wasn’t hungry so he didn’t go down for dinner and when Lilette got home she had tried to talk to him to ask about what had happened, but he couldn’t talk to her either. He didn’t know what he would say.

He had spent the last few hours just thinking about his conversation that day with Jeremy. His brain keeps replaying one part in particular.

“ _I’m pretty sure I’m going to be a little in love with you for the rest of my life.”_

That was a lot to unpack.

It really didn’t surprise Simon that Jeremy would say that. The other boy was always very open with his feelings. He didn’t do well to hide how he felt and Simon knew that, but this confession still shocked him.

Was that the sound that was in Jeremy’s voice when Simon talked to him about how much better things were in the house since his dad left? Was that the look in Jeremy’s eyes when the other boy told him he had asked his mom to make her lasagna because Simon had mentioned how much he loved it that first time he came over for dinner? Was that the reason why Jeremy came out to talk to him when Simon drove over to his house at 1 o’clock in the morning because he had a bad dream about his father? Was it all Love?

The thing Simon thought about the most though was how unafraid of that confession he was. When it came to his own feelings for Jeremy he was terrified. He had been made to believe his whole life that he shouldn’t and couldn’t feel that way. Accepting that he cared for another boy was terrifying for Simon.

But Jeremy’s feelings for him didn’t seem to scare Simon. As much as the idea of loving Jeremy had scared him, the idea of being loved by the other boy made him want to fly.

The whole time Simon had been struggling with his feelings for Jeremy, and while he knew the other boy had feelings for him too, he never stopped to consider what it would be like to be loved by him. He had been so consumed thinking about how he shouldn’t feel that he never stopped to think about what it would be like to have someone feel that way about him. And the way it made him feel made it hard to continue to believe that it could be so wrong. How could loving another person and them loving you back be so wrong?

Simon pushed himself out of his bed and quickly but quietly made his way downstairs and to the guest room where Lilette was.

Simon didn’t worry about opening the door quietly as he entered the room though. He had every intention of waking Lilette up. “Lilette. Hey wake up. I need to talk to you,” Simon whispered urgently as he shook her shoulder to wake her.

“Simon. Go back to bed," she grumbled, as she pulled the covers over her head to try and block out her best friend.

Simon pulled the covers away from her face and continued shaking her. ”I really need to talk to you. I have to tell you something.“

"Ugh,” she mumbled, covering her face with her hands since her blanket had been taken. “Can it wait until morning?”

“No it really can’t,” he said and then took a breath before continuing. “Lilette I’m gay.”

Lilette removed her hands from over her face quickly and sat up straight, almost knocking her head into his.

“Oh my god Simon! I’m so proud of you,” she said as she pulled him into a hug.

Simon chuckled. “Well that woke you up.”

“Simon. You just officially came out to me,” she said smiling, the hint of tears in her eyes. “Of course I am up now. What happened?”

“I just… don’t feel as scared anymore,” he said simply, not wanting to tell her about his conversation with Jeremy just yet.

“Wow. So what does this mean? Are you ready to come out to everyone else too? Or do you still want to not tell anyone?”

“I have to tell my mom and Emma,” he answered. “I’m going to do it in the morning. But yeah I think I want to tell the troupe too.”

Lilette beamed unable to hide her pride. “When? Before the show or after?”

Simon thought for a moment, but he really already knew his answer. “I want to do it tomorrow too. Like a band-aid you know. Just get it all done and over with.”

“But you’re ready right? Saying that you want to just get it done and over with seems like you might be hesitant,” she said, worry suddenly etched on her face. “I just don’t want you to feel like you have to stretch yourself too thin.”

“No. I just want to get it done because it feels like I have been dreading this and I just want to do it to prove to myself that it won’t be as bad as I think. I’ve spent so long just trying to push it away and I think that things would be better if I just stopped fighting it you know?” he said as Lilette watched him. “I want to do this for me because I want to be happy someday with… someone.” Simon ignored the knowing look that came across Lilette’s face at his comment. “If I keep pushing it away then it makes it easier to ignore it and I might never do it. But if I push myself a little now then I have support from my friends to help me deal with it when things are a little hard. I mean, I know it isn’t going to be easy and I know I am still going to struggle with this sometimes, but I think it will be easier knowing that I have people that support me.”

Lilette nodded, her smile returning. “Okay. Do you want me to be here tomorrow morning when you talk to your family?”

“You can be here,” Simon answered before continuing. “But if you don’t mind maybe you can just wait in here or something? Until I text you or come get you after I finish talking to them. I think knowing you are here will help, but I want to tell them on my own.”

Lilette nodded. “Of course. I will be here,” she said softly. “I am just so proud of you.”

Simon ducked his face a small smile forming. “Is it dumb that I’m proud of me too?” he asked, blushing.

“Of course not. This is big, Simon,” she said as she reached forward to pull him into another hug. “Are you happy?” she asked.

Simon’s smile grew. “Yeah. I think I am.”

 

 

~

 

 

When Simon woke up the next morning everything that had happened the night before came rushing to the forefront of his mind. He turned to his nightstand to grab his phone and saw that he had a text message.

 

 

He smiled softly, rereading Lilette’s message over again. Knowing that he had been able to come out to her and the world continued to turn made it seem a bit easier to do it again.

Simon dressed quickly, knowing he needed to get downstairs. He and Lilette would have to leave in a little less than an hour to make it to their 8:30 am call time for rehearsals and he wasn’t really sure how long he would need.

Simon made his way down the stairs and heard his mom and sister in the kitchen. As he turned the corner he could see his mom was at the stove making pancakes while Emma helped to make more batter.

“Morning honey,” his mom said over her shoulder. “Do you want to go check on Lilette? Breakfast is almost ready.”

Simon took in a deep breath. “Actually I need to talk to you first. To both of you.”

His nervousness must have been apparent as his mom turned to look at him, worry in her eyes. “Is everything okay?”

Simon nodded quickly. “Yeah. At least I think so. I just need to tell you both something.”

His mother turned off the stove and moved the pan she had been using to the trivet that was on the counter while Emma stopped stirring and put down the bowl she had been holding.

Simon sat at the small table and waited for the two of them to sit down before he spoke again. “I just have something that I really need to say and I hope that you don’t hate me. Mom you said you would always support me. And Emma, you are my little sister and I love you so much,” he said smiling nervously. “But I have to be honest with you both because I am finally being honest with myself.” He took a deep breath. He was still nervous, but it felt good to know he was about to get his secret off his chest. “I’m gay,” he admitted looking between his mom and his sister. “I like another boy.”

“Do you like Jeremy?” Emma asked suddenly.

That took Simon aback. “W-…what?”

Emma smiled. “Jeremy is nice.”

Patricia gave her son a smile. “Simon we love you. No matter what.”

Simon could feel the tears prickling his eyes. This is what he had hoped for, but for it to actually be happening was surreal for him. “Really? You don’t think Dad was right?”

His mother shook her head softly. “You are perfect to me Simon. You and your sister are my miracles. How could I think there is anything wrong with you?”

He felt the tears falling before he could stop them, getting up from his seat to walk around to the other side and pull his mother into a hug. He stood there hugging his mom, grateful that she was on his side. He felt her pull back and looked up to stare back at her. She smiled softly. “I’m so proud of you son.”

Simon smiled. He finally felt free.

 

 

~

 

 

Simon and Lilette were belting out the lyrics to One Day More as they drove to rehearsal that morning. His nerves about telling all his friends were still there, but he knew his best friend was there for him and his mother and sister still loved and accepted him, so to Simon the hardest part was done. Things still needed to be worked out with his father. His mother had told him that they had been working with Father Miller at the church to work through the problems in their marriage and at home, but she assured Simon that he would never talk to him the way he had before.

He knew it wouldn’t be easy, but nothing worth fighting for was ever easy.

Simon parked his car and he and Lilette began to make their way toward the entrance. He saw a familiar figure being dropped off by her mother and his heart stopped. He had the sudden realization that there was one person he needed to talk to before he did anything else.

Simon turned to Lilette. “Hey. Can you go on ahead? I need to talk to someone before we go inside.”

Lilette’s eyes wandered over to were Simon had been looking and she nodded, understanding what he needed to do. “Ok. See you inside,” she said as he gave him a pat on his shoulder and continued through the entrance.

Simon turned to see Anabelle’s mother driving away and Anabelle starring at him warily. “Morning, Simon,” she said, playing with the hem of her shirt between her fingers.

“Hey Anabelle. Can we talk? Before rehearsal starts?” he asked nervously. Things didn’t end on the best terms between them. It had been easy enough to avoid her at school and at rehearsals so far this summer, but he knew he couldn’t run anymore. He owed it to her to tell her before he told everyone else. He knew it wouldn’t fix everything, but making her find out in a room full of people that knew things had ended poorly between them was a jerk move. He wanted to save her that embarrassment.

She nodded, looking Simon in the eyes. “I just wanted to say how sorry I am for everything I put you through. Things didn’t end well between us and I avoided you because I didn’t want to talk about it, but I need to talk about it. You deserve better than what I’ve put you through.”

Anabelle nodded. “I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have pushed you when you said you didn’t want to go through with it. I should have respected that and not been so hurt.”

“But you have a right to be hurt,” Simon admitted. “I used you.”

Anabelle looked at Simon with confusion coloring her face. “What do you mean?”

“I couldn’t go through with sleeping with you because I was doing it for all the wrong reasons. You deserve someone who cares for you and loves you. And while I do care about you and think you are amazing… I didn’t love you. I would have never loved you the way you deserve to be. 

Anabelle still looked confused and Simon took in a deep breath. “I’m gay Anabelle. I thought if I pushed myself toward you and made myself feel something that it would fix everything, but it just ended up hurting a lot of people.”

Anabelle looked at Simon, shocked. “You’re gay?”

Simon nodded, unable to meet her eyes.

“I guess that explains why you and Jeremy had such amazing chemistry.”

Simon looked at her watching her carefully.

“I thought when you didn’t want to have sex with me that it was because you couldn’t…. You know? That maybe I didn’t do it for you because of how I looked.”

“You’re a very beautiful girl, Anabelle. But you didn’t do it for me because of a very different reason.”

Anabelle nodded. “I can accept that.”

Simon let out a sigh feeling relieved. “You aren’t mad?”

Anabelle shook her head. “I mean I was. I was so mad at you, but now that I know I think I forgive you. It would have been a lot worse if you would have done it and then told me.”

“I’m still sorry,” Simon said.

Anabelle nodded. “I know. And thanks for telling me. I won’t tell anyone.”

“I actually want to tell everyone today, but I wanted to talk to you first. I didn’t want you to find out when everyone else did,” Simon admitted.

Anabelle let out a soft chuckle. “Yeah. That would have sucked.”

“Yeah.”

The two of them stood in silence awkwardly before Anabelle spoke again. “Well, I better get inside. Rehearsals should be starting soon. Good luck though.”

“Thanks. I really want to do this, but I feel pretty nervous,” Simon replied.

“Yeah. But you know we’ll all still love you, right?”

Simon looked down at his feet. “I hope so.”

“We will,” she said as she reached a hand out and placed it on Simon’s shoulder. “We’ll all be there for you Simon. You know why?”

“Why?”

“Because…,” she smiled. “We’re a troupe.”

 

 

~

 

 

Rehearsal was going smoothly. Mr. Mazzu and Ms. Wolfe were having the troupe do a full run through that morning before lunch and the first act had gone off without a hitch. Everyone was standing around taking a small break before they started up the second act. Simon looked at Lilette from across the stage. He caught her eye and gave her a short nod. Her eyes widened knowing what he was about to do.

Simon made his way to the middle of the stage and took a breath. “Hey everyone. Before we start up again for the second act I have something I want to say.”

Every eye was on Simon. His nerves were buzzing but as he scanned the faces of everyone looking back at him he finally came to Jeremy’s face and he felt calmer.

“I just want to say that I love doing these shows with you and this has become so much more than a hobby for me. You guys are like my family,” he said as he continued to scan the room looking at all the people he had grown to care for and trust. “I’ve been dealing with a lot of stuff the past several months and doing it alone has been a challenge. I don’t want to do it alone anymore and I want to be honest with you all… I’m gay,” he finished, looking down at the ground, unable to let his eyes meet any of the others.

Simon’s not sure who started it, but before he knew it the whole troupe had gathered around him in one massive group hug. All of them were saying things like “We love you”, “I’m so proud of you”, and “We will always have your back.”

It made him feel good.

It made him feel accepted.

Simon smiled knowing that everything they were saying and everything he was feeling was true.

 

 

~

 

 

Simon had been dying to talk to Jeremy from the moment he came out to everyone that morning, but he couldn’t seem to find a moment alone with him. It was their last day of rehearsals before their opening night tomorrow and everyone was on high alert during the rest of the run-through that morning so he didn’t get a chance to pull the other boy away to talk. At lunch the troupe had rallied around him and while he really appreciated the love and support he felt from everyone, he really just wanted them to leave him alone for just 10 minutes so he could talk to Jeremy.

There was only an hour left of rehearsal and Simon finally saw Jeremy sitting alone in the theatre. After a successful full run through that morning, Mr. Mazzu had just been having them run a few numbers to finalize all the details. They were taking a short break from working through In My Life again and Simon thought it was the perfect moment to finally talk to Jeremy. He really didn’t know what he was going to say, but he wanted Jeremy to know why he had come out. He wanted Jeremy to know how he felt. But a tall figure stepped in front of him before he could make his way off the stage. Simon was confused to find the boy standing in front of him. He didn’t really know much about Garrett. All Simon knew was that he was going to be a senior at the start of the next school year and he was in the band and played the Bass.

“Hey Simon,” the other boy began, keeping Simon from leaving the stage. “Mr. Baer wanted me to ask you if the tempo for your part in In My Life was okay or if you wanted it to be faster,” Garrett said. 

Simon shook his head. “No. It’s fine. I can do it either way, so maybe see what Mr. Mazzu likes,” he replied. He just wanted to quickly get away and over to Jeremy before they had to start their scene back up.

“Ok,” the boy said with a nod. Simon smiled and started to make his way past him before he spoke again. “Hey Simon. I just wanted to say that what you did earlier this morning was really brave.” 

Simon gave the other boy a skeptical look. “Um… Thanks. I mean it was scary, but I just felt like I had to you know,” he said with a shrug.

“Yeah. I remember how scared I was when I came out to my family,” Garrett replied.

Simon couldn’t help it. The admission had surprised him. “I didn’t know you were gay.”

Garrett smiled sheepishly. “Yeah. I only really told my close friends and family, but I’m not in the closet or anything. I just don’t really go around announcing it.”

Simon smiled. “You mean like making a scene and gathering everyone together to tell them while you stand in the middle of a stage in front of them?”

Garrett laughed. “Yeah. But you know, to each his own, right?”

Simon nodded. “Yeah. I guess.”

“Well, I just wanted to say welcome to the club and see if you would… I don’t know maybe if you wanted to go out sometime?” the other boy said, blushing.

Simon couldn’t hide the shock in his voice. “Are you asking me out?” Simon hated it, but it admittedly gave him a bit of a thrill. Another boy was actually asking him out. 

“Yeah,” Garret said with a smile. “I’ve been in the band for a lot of the shows you have done and I mean if I’m being honest I have always thought you were pretty cute and talented. I know we don’t really know each other that well but you have to start somewhere right?”

Simon took a breath, feeling a pit in his stomach and not really knowing how to let the other boy down easily. “I’m sorry. I just…”

“You don’t have to answer right now,” Garrett cut in. “You can take time to think about it. I know you just came out and it’s kind of out of nowhere.”

Simon smiled awkwardly. “I don’t need to think about it. I’m sorry. I just really like someone else,” he finished, blushing.

“Oh. Well that’s okay,” Garrett said with a smile and reached a hand out to Simon’s shoulder. “But if that doesn’t work out you know where to find me,” he said, giving Simon a wink and squeezing his shoulder before finally walking away.

Simon could feel the heat on his face. He shook his head, not really sure of what had just happened before he looked back at where Jeremy was sitting. Their eyes locked. Jeremy looked hurt and mad, but Simon didn’t know why. Suddenly, Jeremy stood up from his seat and made his way to the side door exit of the auditorium. Simon began to walk toward the exit trying to catch Jeremy, but as he made his way to the wing of the stage Mr. Mazzu called everyone back to work on the scene.

Simon took a deep breath. He would just talk to Jeremy after rehearsal. He waited this long already, what was one more hour.

 

 

~

 

 

When rehearsal was finally done for the day Simon breathed a sigh of relief. He quickly made his way to the boys changing room, hoping he could catch Jeremy before the other boy left. He didn’t see him at first, but he finally saw his retreating form going out the exit to the parking lot. Simon ran after him, exiting the building and catching up.

“Jeremy! Wait. Can we talk?”

Jeremy turned, his expression neutral. “Hi Simon. What could there be to talk about?”

Simon was taken aback. “What’s wrong? Why are you mad?”

Jeremy laughed “Oh I don’t know just that you wanted to be friends because you said you needed help with the whole gay thing but it seems like you figured it all out on your own just fine.”

Simon was confused. “Are you mad that I came out?”

Jeremy shook his head. “No. I’m not mad about that Simon”

That didn’t make Simon any less confused. “Then what? What did I do?”

Jeremy shook his head sadly. “It’s nothing,” he said turning to get into his car.

Simon reached out, grabbing Jeremy’s arm before the other boy could unlock his car door. “Please talk to me”

Jeremy looked Simon in the eye before speaking. He looked hurt, but the anger was still there as well. “You just seemed pretty friendly with Garrett earlier. And considering how you weren’t sure if you were ever going to be ready to come out yesterday you seemed really comfortable flirting with him today.”

 _Jeremy was jealous._ The thought hit Simon as the other boy spoke. He was jealous that another boy had flirted with him.

Simon felt himself speak before he could stop it. “Are you mad that Garrett asked me out?”

Jeremy had a weird look on his face. “He asked you out?”

Simon wanted to tell Jeremy that he told the other boy no, but then Jeremy’s words from the day before came into his mind. How he wanted to get over Simon. How he wanted to give Dylan a chance.

“Yeah. He asked me out. He said it was brave… what I did this morning. And that he had always thought I was cute.” It was mean. Simon knew what he was doing was mean, but the idea of making Jeremy as jealous as he had felt about Dylan was very tempting.

Jeremy nodded. “Well that’s great. It’s so great that you have finally come to accept yourself. So now you can date Garrett and I can date Dylan and we will just leave it at that.”

“Are you mad?” Simon asked. He already knew the answer. Simon wasn’t sure why he was doing this. He had wanted to tell Jeremy that he came out because he wanted to be happy and that he was pretty sure that he would be happy being with him. This wasn’t what he had expected at all. “You moved on from me right? You are giving Dylan a chance. So why do you care?

“I don’t,” Jeremy said quickly tearing his eyes away from Simon’s.

“Good,” but Simon’s brain screamed at him. It really wasn’t ‘good’ at all.

“Yeah. Good.” Jeremy said and turned to get into his car. Simon thought he saw his hands shaking as he started the car.

A part of him wanted to stop the other boy. Tell him he didn’t mean anything he just said. That he had told Garrett he didn’t want to go out with him. That he liked someone else. That he liked Jeremy. But his words were too hurtful and he couldn’t get his mouth to cooperate.

He turned on his heel and made his way to his own car. His heart was just as broken as the other boy that was driving home with tears in his eyes.

 


	10. I’m pretty sure I love him

Simon’s stomach fluttered with nerves. That wasn’t an unusual feeling to have on opening night, but his nerves have nothing to do with the show.

He can’t think about seeing Jeremy without wanting to cry.

After he had arrived home the night before, Simon spent the entire evening in his room letting the tears fall. Lilette had come to his room and he was able to pull himself together enough to talk to her. To tell her he was pretty sure he ruined any chance that he had with Jeremy. He couldn’t stand seeing the pity in her eyes at his heartbreak. He asked to her to leave after that.

He knew he would have to leave soon to head to the school, but he continued to lay on his bed wallowing in his self pity for longer than he should have allowed himself to.

His brain kept replaying everything in snapshots. The time he had kissed Jeremy the Monday after the one and only show for Spring Awakening when he was so desperate for him to just stop talking. The many afternoons and evenings he spent just talking with Jeremy in his room. How Jeremy’s room had become one of Simon’s favorite places on the planet. The hurt he felt when he found out Jeremy and Dylan had gone out. How freeing it felt to finally be honest and come out to his family and friends.

Had Jeremy been right? Simon couldn’t help but think that if things were really supposed to work out that it would be a lot easier. Maybe everything was so messed up because they were trying to force something that the universe didn’t want. Maybe everything really was just that it was all at the wrong place and the wrong time. That maybe they were never meant to be anything more than friends. Simon knew that there had to be a bigger plan. It was one of the things he grew up with that had always given him comfort. Having this belief that there was a force bigger than him and that everything happened for a reason. He just didn’t know why the bigger picture had to include him falling in love with someone he couldn’t be with.

He didn’t think being in love would be so hard.

 

~

 

The atmosphere in the green room did nothing to soothe Simon’s anxiety. He had been moving on autopilot all day long. Driving to the school. Making his way to the dressing room. Putting on his costume. Some of the troupe members were running over their lines again. Practicing scales and snippets of the songs over by the piano. Going through the choreography. Simon just sat quietly on the couch. He had managed to avoid Jeremy so far. He hadn’t seen the boy once since he arrived. Simon felt someone sit down next to him and turned to find big, brown, sad eyes looking at him once again.

“Please don’t look at me like that,” he said to Lilette as she settled into the seat next to him. 

Lilette sighed. “Well if you didn’t look so pitiful I wouldn’t have to.”

Simon let out a huff. “I don’t look pitiful.”

Lilette gave him a look. “You do. Is there anything I can do to help?”

Simon turned away from her taking in a breath. “No. It’s my thing to deal with.”

“Well I don’t want to make things harder on you, but Jolene has noticed you are a bit out of it. She’s freaking out that your scenes tonight aren’t going to be any good." 

Simon let out a groan. “Ok. Then maybe there is one thing you can do.”

Lilette laughed softly. “I’ll keep her off your back. I know you will do fine once the show starts. You are a professional after all,” she said as she poked him in the arm.

Simon gave Lilette a look. “Very funny.”

Lilette smiled before her expression turned serious. “But really though. You are strong and you will get through this. Everything will work out.”

Simon smiled at Lilette and as he looked up he finally caught a glimpse of Jeremy as he entered the room. He can’t help but notice that he looks as bad as Simon feels. Lilette turned to see what Simon was looking at. “It looks like you aren’t the only one who looks pitiful.”

Lilette’s observation just makes him feel worse. “This is all my fault,” he said sadly, leaning forward and letting his head fall into his hands.

“Hey. What did I just say? You are strong. Things will work out,” she repeated as she rubbed circles onto his back. “I think you really need to talk to him.”

Simon sighed. “I don’t know if I can. Not after the way I acted yesterday,” he finished sadly.

Suddenly, Lilette was being called to from the other side of the room. “Hey I have to go, but really. Think about it. There’s a reason you both are so upset over this,” she said softly and then got up and made her way over to where Gwen and Sasha were standing.

Simon continued to sit there thinking about what Lilette had said. He turned to look at Jeremy again and could feel himself being filled with guilt. Knowing how much he had hurt Jeremy made it hard to consider Lilette’s advice.

  

~

 

They are less than twenty minutes to curtain. Everyone is nervous and normally Simon would be right there with them, but he can’t seem to feel anything other than the crushing weight that seems to have settled right on top of his heart. He’s standing in the wings of the stage, listening to the band warm up when he feels someone walk up to him. 

“Hi. You nervous?” Dylan asked.

Simon just blinked at the other boy, not really in the mood for small talk. And especially not with the guy who is dating the boy he is in love with.

“Got it. You must be a method actor. You like to get into the zone before a show,” he continued when Simon didn’t answer.

Simon let out a huff. “No I’m not. I just really don’t feel like talking right now.”

“Oh,” Dylan says a little disappointed. “Okay. Well break a leg.”

Simon didn’t mean to have as much attitude as he did, but he could help it from slipping out as he replied. “Yeah. You too.”

Dylan turned back at Simon, a fire in his eyes. “Ok I don’t know what I did to make you hate me. Can you please help me out there?”

Simon sighed. “It isn’t you okay. I mean it is, but it is something I have to deal with.”

Dylan shook his head, confusion evident. “At first I thought you didn’t like me because I was gay, but then you came out yesterday to everyone and so I thought that it couldn’t be that. I just want to know why." 

Simon looked at the other guy sadly. He didn’t want to admit the reason why he didn’t like him, but he knew he couldn’t lie. So he decided to go with a half-truth. “It just took me a long time to accept myself. I’m working through some things and some feelings and it is just going to take me a while.”

Dylan nodded, knowing he wasn’t going to get any answer other than that. “Okay. Well I really hope you will join our GSA when school starts up. I mean you could have joined anyway, but from talking with Michael we really want this to be a safe space for others in the school. And we want to spread it around so if you know anyone else then definitely let them know.” 

Simon nodded. As much as he didn’t like the guy, he respected him for how passionate he was about this club. “Ok. I can talk to Garrett from the band. I don’t know if he knows about it yet.”

Dylan gave Simon a considering look. “Garrett? The bass player? How do you know he is gay?”

Simon let out a laugh. “Because he asked me out yesterday.”

“Oh. Cool,” Dylan said with a nod. 

“I told him no though. I mean. He’s nice but I just… Don’t think that would work for me,” Simon answered. He kind of hated himself. He couldn’t tell Jeremy the truth, but he could tell the guy Jeremy was dating what had actually happened. Simon was probably going to be single for the rest of his life with how bad he was with handling his feelings.

“Wait so he’s single?” Dylan asked. “Do you think you could introduce me?”

That caught Simon off guard. “Why? I thought you were dating Jeremy?”

Dylan shook his head. “No it was just one date. We had a good time, but he told me he just wanted to be friends.”

“He did?” Simon asked, confused. “When?” When he had spoken with Jeremy on Wednesday the other boy had made it extremely clear that he wanted to give Dylan a chance.

“Yesterday,” Dylan answered with a shrug. “During lunch.”

Simon’s mind was going so fast he could barely grasp his thoughts. “He told you yesterday? And you are already going to ask Garrett out?”

Dylan let out a laugh. “It was just one date. And besides the dating pool for gay boys in high school is pretty small. I shoot my shot when I can. Anyway. I’m going to go and maybe do some warm-ups with everyone. See you later,” he said and then turned to head back to the green room.

Simon just stood there thinking about what Dylan told him. Jeremy broke things off with Dylan yesterday. At lunch… After Simon had come out to everyone. And then he saw Garrett flirting with Simon. Then they had their fight. 

Simon didn’t want to get his hopes up, but he couldn’t help the thought that maybe Jeremy had ended things with Dylan because of him. And then Simon had to go and say those things just to try and make Jeremy jealous because he didn’t like how jealous he had felt.

His guilt is still there and the weight has only just slightly lessened from being a crushing presence on his heart, but it feels like something is finally clicking into place.

He just hopes Jeremy can forgive him.

 

~

 

Simon had been looking for Jeremy since the show started. He knew he needed to pay attention to what was happening. It wasn’t very professional to be so distracted, but he had to find him. He had to talk to Jeremy. The problem was that Jeremy seemed to be missing. Simon was pretty sure he had been avoiding him, but he knew he had to turn up eventually so Simon kept looking. It wasn’t even halfway through the first act when Simon finally spotted Jeremy with Francis and Cheryl in the wings of the stage.

Simon took a deep breath, steeling himself. He needed to seem more confident than he actually felt. He needed the other boy to talk to him. Needed him to listen to him. Needed him to forgive him.

“Can we talk?” he said in a whisper, his mouth close enough to Jeremy’s ear that he wouldn’t be heard by anyone else. 

Simon saw Jeremy shiver before he turned to look him in the eye. “No,” he whispered back. “The show is going on. We’re waiting for our cues.”

Simon turned his attention to the stage. “We have time. Please. I need to talk to you.”

Jeremy shot Simon an incredulous look. “No. I don’t want to talk, Simon. I think we said everything we needed to say yesterday.”

Simon ran his fingers through his hair, exasperated. “Fine. I’ll talk right here if you won’t come with me,” he finished, his whispers louder than necessary.

“Shh. There is a show going on,” Jeremy urged.

Simon’s eyes locked with Jeremy. He hoped the other boy could see the desperation. “Then please come with me. So we can talk.”

He could see Jeremy blink. Once. Twice. He knew he had succeeded as he saw the other boy’s shoulders slump in defeat. “Fine,” he said as he pushed past Simon and began making his way to the boys’ dressing room.

“Why didn’t you tell me you ended things with Dylan?” Simon asked as soon as they made their way inside the room. Neither of them had closed the door. It didn’t matter though. Everyone else would be on the stage or in the wings of it.

Jeremy looked taken aback. It was obvious that was not what he had expected to come out of Simon’s mouth. “How do you know that?” he asked.

“Just answer the question,” Simon said with a sigh. He had hoped that he knew the reason, but he wanted to hear it.

Jeremy sighed. “It’s not a big deal.”

“Well it was pretty important to you on Wednesday when you told me you wanted to give him a chance. So I just want to know why the very next day you tell him you just want to be friends.”

“Why does it matter Simon?” Jeremy asks sadly.

Simon took a breath, not letting go of Jeremy’s gaze. “Because it just does.”

Jeremy shifted his eyes away quickly before speaking again. “How do you even know about that?”

“Dylan told me before the show,” he answered.

Jeremy laughed. “Oh did he ask you out too? Are you just a hot commodity around here? Less than 48 hours out of the closet and you already have two guys asking you out?”

“He didn’t ask me out. We just talked. And even if he did I would have told him no,” Simon said quickly. “Just like I told Garrett no.”

That got Jeremy’s attention and Simon mentally cheered. Jeremy looked at Simon skeptically. “That isn’t what you implied yesterday.”

Simon took a step closer, hoping the other boy wouldn’t back away. He didn’t. “I’m so sorry. It was mean, but I was just trying to make you jealous because I hated how I felt about you and Dylan,” he explained. 

“That’s messed up.”

Simon looked down at his feet, not wanting to see the hurt expression on Jeremy’s face any longer. “I know. I’m sorry that I hurt you.”

Silence passed between them for what felt like forever. Simon didn’t know what to say. He thought about just admitting his feeling and letting the words hang heavy between them. It had to be better than this silence, right? That was until Jeremy finally broke it. “So you aren’t going to go out with Garrett?”

“No,” he answered quickly.

Jeremy nodded slowly, turning over Simon’s response in his head. “Why not?” he asked.

Simon took a breath and dove right in. “Because I don’t want to go out with someone if I have feelings for someone else.”

Jeremy blinked at Simon. Simon wondered if his own eyes had as much hope in them as Jeremy’s did at that moment. “You have feelings for someone else?”

‘Yeah,” Simon said. He took another step forward, closing the gap between them. “I’m pretty sure I love him.”

Simon’s pretty sure Jeremy’s smile at that moment was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen in his life. “Maashous is a lucky guy,” Jeremy joked, the smile never wavering from his lips as he grabbed Simon’s hand.

Simon couldn’t help it. He let out a laugh and let the joy fill him up… He finally felt the weight lift from his heart. He wondered when he was going to start floating off the ground. He knew in that moment that everything his dad ever said about this was wrong. Because in that moment everything just felt so right.

“Jeremy…”

The smile was still in Jeremy’s eyes and Simon was pretty sure he was going to try and keep it there for the rest of his life. “Yeah?”

He felt nervous even though he was pretty sure Jeremy wouldn’t say no. “Will you go out with me? Like on a date?”

Jeremy smiled. “I don’t know,” he said, feigning an air of nonchalance. “I mean I am all booked up this weekend with the show and who knows what I’m going to be doing the rest of the summer.”

Simon let out a laugh deciding to go along with the bit. “That’s okay. I’ll wait as long as I have to. Whenever you’re free is fine with me.”

“You’re willing to wait for me? Wow. You must really like me,” Jeremy said joking. But there was also a hint of nervousness in his voice.

Simon smiled, taking a step closer, making the space between them nonexistent, and holding Jeremy’s gaze. “I do. I really do.”

Jeremy nodded. “Okay,” he said a little breathlessly. “We’ll figure it out together.”

And as Simon leaned forward to kiss Jeremy he knew the other boy was right. 

They’ll figure everything out together.

 

~

 

Simon finds it funny that so far he has only been able to make out with Jeremy in either the dressing room or the green room. He makes a mental note to change that. He wants to make out with Jeremy in as many places as legally possible. But for now he is content to continue kissing this boy he has pined over for so long. They were so wrapped up in each other that they didn’t realize how long they had been gone.

They also didn’t realize that they had a small audience.

“Well an affair between Marius and Enjolras definitely puts a new spin on my interpretation of the show,” Jolene said with a smirk, leaning against the doorframe to the dressing room.

“We hate to break this up but they’re about to start Master of the House and everyone is freaking out that you two are missing,” Gwen said doing a horrible job of hiding her grin.

Both boys snap into action realizing that they have to be on stage in a few minutes.

The four of them walk back to the stage and it is Gwen that points out that Jeremy has to go to the other side as that is where he is supposed to enter from.

“Have you forgotten your blocking?” she joked.

Jeremy let out a sigh. “I’m just a bit out of it. Let’s go,” he said, only slightly embarrassed, as he turned to leave.

But Simon thinks that it is the cutest thing he has ever seen and couldn’t stop himself from grabbing his hand and pulling him into one last kiss. They are both smiling so it is mostly teeth, but neither of them cares. 

“Okay. I’m sorry. As precious as this is we still have a show going on,” Jolene reminds them and Simon finally let go so Jeremy could head off to the other side of the stage.

“At least fix your hair,” she said as she began to smooth his locks back into place.

“Thanks,” he said sheepishly.

Jolene just shook her head, a smirk still plastered on her face. “At least I know you are going to kill it tonight acting like you are in love.”

Simon doesn’t want to deny it. “Yeah. I am.”

 

~

 

Simon can’t stop smiling.

Lilette notices right away. 

The first act had gone wonderfully. Or at least that is what Simon assumes from what he was able to see of it. He did miss a good amount in the middle of the act because he was otherwise… occupied with Jeremy.

“You seem to be in a much better mood,” Lilette says as soon as she makes her way over to where Simon is standing.

He can’t help the smile that overcomes his face. He’s sure it is blinding. “Yeah. I mean… I had a talk with Jeremy.” 

Her eyes narrowed. “Is that why you were missing for almost thirty minutes during the show?”

Simon can feel his cheek heating up. “Um… Yeah. I guess.” Simon suddenly feels someone walk up to his side and he turns to look and see who it is. He can feel his face heat up even more.

“Hi,” Jeremy said breathlessly.

Simon can’t help the soft smile that appears on his face knowing that he is the reason Jeremy’s voice is so breathless.

“Hi.” Simon can’t look away from him now. It was as if his eyes had a mind of their own and they would have been pleased to see nothing else but Jeremy for the rest of eternity.

Lilette let out a small laugh, but Simon didn’t dare to look away. “Oh my god,” she said. “I’m glad you listened to me Saunders. It’s about time you sealed that deal,” she finished as she walked away.

Simon watched a smile break out onto Jeremy’s face. “Sealed the deal?” he teased. “If I recall we never really set a time or a place for a date.”

Simon knew he had a matching smile. “Well I’m just waiting for your calendar. You did say you were pretty busy.”

Jeremy laughed. If Simon could only hear a few sounds for the rest of his life, Jeremy’s laugh would be pretty high up on that list. Maybe not the first, but definitely second to the soft sighs he let out as he kissed him. “I’ll make sure to get it to you… but if you aren’t doing anything after the show maybe you can come over? I mean I don’t know the next time I will be free so this might be your only chance,” he joked.

Simon leaned forward, quickly pressing a kiss to Jeremy’s cheek before his nerves stopped him. “I can work with that,” he said, thinking that his favorite place on earth is a good place to start working on his list.

  

~

_Epilogue_

 

“So how was dinner with your dad?”

Jeremy was sitting on his bed as Simon lay diagonally across it with his head in the other boy’s lap.

He took in a deep breath and closed his eyes, enjoying the feel of Jeremy’s fingers brushing through the hair near his temples.

“Better than I expected. I don’t know if he will be moving in anytime soon, but I actually think he is really trying.”

Jeremy smiled down at Simon. “Good. I know you kind of worked through all of that on your own, but he’s your dad. Having your dad in your life would be nice.”

Simon looked up at the other boy and saw sadness in his eyes. He knew he was thinking about his own lack of a father. “Yeah. I mean I don’t think he will ever join me at a Pride Parade, but maybe someday things will be civil between us.”

Jeremy nodded, sensing that Simon was done with that topic of conversation. “How do you feel about school next week?”

Simon sighed, grateful for the subject change. “Excited mostly. A bit nervous, but I’m ready to go back.”

Jeremy smiled. “Yeah. I get that. But you know you don’t have to do anything you aren’t comfortable with, right? I mean I know you came out to the troupe, but being out with people who you know will support you is different from being out at school where you aren’t sure.” 

Simon sat up to sit next to the other boy, instantly missing the feeing of Jeremy’s fingers in his hair. “I know,” he said softly as he grabbed the boy’s hand in his own, not wanting to spend too much time with no contact between them.

“I just mean that we can hold back at school,” Jeremy said. “Like … I just want you to know I don’t expect you to act this way at school too,” he continued, motioning to their entwined fingers.

Simon gave Jeremy a small smile before leaning in softly and letting the boy meet him halfway to a soft kiss. “Okay,” he said simply. “Thank you.”

Simon considers Jeremy’s words. If he was being honest he was nervous about how things would be at school, but he feels like he already knows what he wants to do.

The last few days of summer flew by and Simon spent about 85% of it with his boyfriend. That thought still put a smile on his face. His boyfriend. It was finally the first day of school and Simon drove through the streets of Stanton humming along to the radio. He had wanted to give Jeremy a ride, but Jeremy’s mom had really wanted to take him. He had explained that she was really sentimental about traditions and really who was Simon to argue with that. He drove up to the school and parked his car right about the time that he got the text message.

 

 

Jeremy smiled brightly as Simon made his way to him. “Good morning.”

Simon smiled back just as bright. “Morning.”

They quietly turned to walk into the school. As soon as they made it inside they saw Mr. Mazzu and Ms. Wolfe putting up sign up sheets on the bulletin board for the fall production for the youth theatre. The summer show had done so well that the school board decided that the youth theatre could continue to use the facilities, but it still had to be funded by ticket sales and donations. That hadn’t turned out to be an issue. 

They continued to walk down the hall to their lockers when Simon grabbed Jeremy’s hand.

Jeremy looked at Simon and then down to their hands, stopping him in the middle of the hallway. “Are you sure?” he asked, gesturing to their hands.

Simon smiled, leaning forward and giving him a soft kiss.

“Absolutely.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. We made it! I am going to be sappy here and say thank you to everyone who has been reading this and leaving comments and kudos. As selfish as it is knowing that people enjoy this story is really what drove me to finish it. The last multichapter fic i wrote took me like 2 and half years so this right here is a win for me. But truly. Thank you so much and if you are reading this after it is done still a huge thank you for reading. I am still sad that Rise was cancelled but this was cathartic for me to help lessen the heartache. Is that dorky? Probably. Anyway hopefully you like how I wrapped everything up. Writing fluff is hard for me so hopefully you like it? Let me know. And if you want to continue crying about Rise and Siremy I will still be on my Tumblr sideblog @jeremytraversismyson so you are welcome to join me there for more crying. 
> 
> Once again thank you. Hope this was worth it.


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